Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Behind the Scenes at Commie-Con 2013

It is with pride and joy that I herald The Author's Files' first guest post, written by an independent journalist and dear friend named George Stefano Pallas.  Please give George a huge shoutout for all the work and research he dedicated to analyzing and expounding this little-known topic.

With the eyes of America’s mainstream media fixated squarely on a never-ending stream of stories about alluringly depraved kidnappers, celebrities bickering with their divorcees about child custody, formerly squeaky-clean child stars getting drunk, and Edward Snowden cavorting with Vladimir Putin to effectively embarrass the once icon of free countries, the annual spectacle that is San Francisco’s Commie-Con convention has been unfortunately glossed over to focus on allegedly more pressing national matters.  2013’s festivities mark the 100th anniversary of the popular entertainment venue, as officially established by Woodrow Wilson on his first day of office, and this 4th quarter quell has already surpassed all preceding events in glamour, political fervor, and, most importantly, Diversity of attractions.  If this weekend’s opening performances are any indicator, Commie-Con is rapidly breaking into the middle class and will continue to enthrall the proletariat for four more years.

The Carnival of Communism transformed into top gear and rolled out last Friday to coincide with the release of Oscar frontrunner Elysium, the Elizabeth Warren-produced class warfare epic that introduced last year’s show and ignited nationwide protests against the social injustice of 1 percenters leading lives of perpetual vacation and ease while the 99 percenters toil and slave to pay for the luxury of the elites.  In keeping with the convention’s well-earned reputation for respecting free speech and diversity of thought, the event’s managers welcome Marxists and Atheists of all political parties and religious creeds, whether the guest be a liberal, socialist, progressive, utopian, anarchist, feminazi, Environmentalist, freethinker, agnostic, or Secular Humanist.  Visitors who would gain admittance to the convention must only present proof of voluntary unemployment, disability, racial discrimination, general perversion, low income, or government dependency to receive a $7500 federal tax credit with the purchase of a ticket.

After undergoing a brief, non-invasive, and – in this journalist’s opinion – thoroughly pleasurable strip search (alternatively, one can always opt out and submit to a full-body grope instead) for the sake of complying with Janet Napolitano’s security recommendations to prevent terror attacks by guns- and religion-clinging Tea Partiers, guests are issued a personal thought-police officer to guide them and are ushered through the golden gates of the idyllic fair grounds.  The convention’s layout is environmentally inspired and emphasizes clean/renewable/sustainable/green energy, with private jets and Nissan Leafs providing transportation for each attendee to dozens of individual displays, separated by many miles with the brilliantly conceived design of reducing concentration in land use.

Drones in the sky and intelligence agents on the ground ensure that fans are always 100% safe and 0% free, allowing them to fully relish the leisure and refinement of broadening their communist worldview without ever having to worry about confronting a rogue capitalist or themselves taking up reprehensible ideas of individualism; after all, if they do somehow manage to articulate Constitutionalist rhetoric or, worse still, become a full-fledged radical for capitalism, they’ll immediately be detained and conscripted into the most awesome gladiator games ever conceived.

Oliver Stone opened the extravaganza with a heartfelt tribute to Hugo Chavez and a passionate plea for politicians to “stop playing politics” and to “embrace a bipartisan, common-sense agenda of checking corporate malfeasance, protecting the environment from marauding businessmen, repealing the Bill of Rights, and asking the bourgeoisie to give a little more to the workers who made their success possible.  After all, if you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that.”  America’s Great Leader himself is rumored to have an appearance planned for Thursday at the convention, where he’ll lecture against the evils of trickle-down-economics and make the case for a shared responsibility that spreads the wealth around so that everybody can get a fair share, a fair shake, and a fair shot.

In the interim leading up to the week’s ultimate offering, fans can experience a wide variety of previews for culturally, ethnically, and philosophically diverse media, all approved by the Communist Party’s statutes and regulations on publicly permissible speech.  For the interest of comic book consumers, the team behind DC’s Green Arrow has collaborated with Newsroom creator and writer Aaron Sorkin to produce a 21st century reimagining of the Superman legend that promises an unfamiliar and timely new slant on America’s mightiest boy scout.

Said Sorkin, “The heroism of Clark Kent the superhero has eclipsed the herosim of Clark Kent the reporter for too long.  In its desperate drive to attract white male teenagers, DC has regrettably allowed Clark’s feats of physical strength to overshadow his more important contributions to society, namely his intellectual rectitude, his relentless pursuit of the truth, and his impartial commitment to the public welfare.  This series will focus less on the superhuman aspects of its protagonist and more on his human side; it is a homage to real-world heroes in the business of journalism who work tirelessly to expose social injustice, uphold democracy, and defend the people from the cold hand of fascism.”

The series recasts Clark Kent as a star reporter for the Daily Warming Planet who specializes in uprooting corporate corruption, particularly the kind perpetrated the city’s ruthless capitalist overlord Lex Luthor.  Upon realizing the sheer injustice of continuing life as Superman while his comrades in Metropolis wallowed in poverty and weakness, Clark surrendered his powers until the day when everyone could share them equally and devoted himself to serving the people through the news industry.  His greatest influence, Lois Lane, squires him in the journalist’s creed of objectivity and political neutrality, which is based, Sorkin explains, on a strong, bipartisan allegiance to women’s (abortion) rights, income equality, and multiculturalism.  Marvel has expressed interest in doing a crossover series wherein Peter Parker of the Daily Whistle and Clark unite to dethrone the special interests of Wayne Enterprises and make Gotham’s renowned aristocrat finally pay the same tax rate as his beleaguered secretary, Selina Kyle. One thing is certain: Last Son of Marxton will boldly move DC forward into the next stage of human and literary development, making a loud cry in favor of comic book progress.

Pixar Animation Studios easily dominated the spotlight in the film category with its reveal of an intriguing new project called Weird*E, an indirect sequel to the beloved environmental sermon that swept awards shows unchallenged in 2008.  Soon after returning a colony of fat, Republican slavedrivers to the home planet they buried in junk, the adorable little trash-sweeper from the first movie discovers that he was not the only robot to be abandoned on earth by a destructive and self-centered human race.  Weird-e is a unique and misunderstood machine who’s shunned by his creators as an abnormal and unnatural contraption.  Wall-e’s dashing good looks, eloquent speech, and uncompromising love for the earth causes Weird-e to fall hopelessly in love with him, a feeling that Wall-e cannot reciprocate because his programming forbids him to mate with any entity besides an EVE model.

Director James Cameron says, “Our goal with Weird-e is to inspire young viewers to experiment with relationships beyond their programming, to go outside of their comfort zones and reconfigure their narrow parameters of what constitutes a healthy friendship.  This message of tolerance, of the freedom to love whoever you want, is most relevant in today’s ever wayward and judgmental society and will be, I think, the heart of Weird-e’s transgenderational appeal – that is transgenerational appeal.”  As the robotic love triangle blooms and withers, chaos ensues at the newly established human village, built in the shadow of the Sulaco/Pillar of Autumn/spaceship thing from Wall-e.  In an effort to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past that got them in the mess in the first place, the settlers instituted a capitalistic system that allots everyone the opportunity to determine his own profession and work for his individual profit, but this free market approach unavoidably results in a robber barren planet where everybody is on his own and dogs are cannibals.  Weird-e leads an aggressive campaign to reform the village on the foundation of civil responsibilities, coordinated labor, economic security, and collective identity.

“Diversity is our strength,” he asserts in the provocative teaser, “but if the community allows people to make their own choices, they might make the wrong choice.  We see this happening all around us, the decisions of the minority recklessly endangering the health and comfort of the majority.  With wisdom and a conscience for social expediency, your ancestors carefully shaped our destinies, programming we machines [sic] to fulfill a certain public purpose and to ignore our selfish desires for liberty.  If this mechanical design is appropriate for the clockwork, why not for the orange?  Would it not serve the sons of Cornelius and Zira to similarly program themselves to further civilization’s progress?”

The post-apocalyptic landscape of Weird*e impeccably blends live-action photography with District 9-esque CGI, a new cinematic style for Pixar that nevertheless looks astoundingly realistic.  The controversial subject matter will likely stir substantial outrage, but so did the studio’s last somewhat original project Brave, which critics praised for bringing important issues like equal pay and sexual liberation to the attention of future voters.  Educational value aside, Weird*e's premise is far from robotic and the movie appears to remarkable entertainment that will have people saying, “Whhoooooa!” and “Eeeeeeevaaaaaaah!” all over again.

To read about Joss Whedon’s upcoming superhero comic arc The Regulator, the long awaited Friends reboot/spinoff starring Bert and Ernie, or Tony Stark: The Reluctant Billionaire by Warren Buffett, and to get more regular updates on Commie-Con 2013, follow #DemocratickNationullCommiettee and like its media partners @CommunistNewsNational and @MainstreamNewsSourceBullCrap.


  1. Aunt Orson CooperSunday, August 18, 2013

    I went to Commie-Con and broke into tears with the Weird*E preview. I can hardly describe the joy that Pixar brings me with its commitment to tolerance and equality. Tell George-Stefan I said Hi.

  2. Saul, Dad of BrianSunday, August 18, 2013

    I've been following this blog for quite some time just because you extreme right-wingers are so amusing, but I was glad to see George-Stefan Opal Ice finally exhibit some common sense. I'll make certain to visit Commie-Con next year and sincerely hope that GI will be doing more journalism for the Files in the future.


Please be aware that Google/Blogger has a regrettable habit of crashing before you hit the Preview or Publish button, so writing out longer comments separately before entering them into the browser is well advised.

Moderation is to combat spam, not to muzzle dissenting voices.