5000 Beers On Elizabeth Warren After Tulsi Gabbard Debate Disqualification

The new person to beat in the Democratic primary said “Mahalo” to her ohana shortly after hearing about whom she would and wouldn’t be facing on live TV.

Criterion Collection #1000 Revealed: Inside the Most Complete MCU Box Set to Date

After days of nail-biting tension, Criterion fans can finally bury their fears and pre-order spine #1000.

Pixar Fans Are Relieved that "Toy Story 4" Isn't Rated R

For long, Toy Story 4 battled rumors that it would be Pixar’s first film with a hard R rating. We broke the timeline down and explored whether it’s really a horror film.

Roman Polanski Shares Harrowing Rape Story In Brave Speech

After he opened up on the horrific experience, some are calling the director’s choice more relevant now than ever.

"GAME OF THRONES" SCANDAL: Inside the Shocking Fall of the Nation's Top Recap Writer

After the Battle of Winterfell, USA Today fired their most trusted expert on Game of Thrones. What got us here, and what does it mean for the future of journalism?

Left: Arya Stark fights the Army of the Dead at Winterfell; Right: Wes O'Fink. © Home Box Office / Wes O'Fink

In Age of Trump, Pepperdine Weighs Validity of Free Speech

Pepperdine Professor Christopher Soper and the Intercultural Affairs office openly question the importance of free speech to a democratic society.

We Did Some Research Into Spotify, And Here Are The Five Worst Hate Bands That Came Up

You probably won't believe who's #1.

The 9 Wokest Celebrity Reactions to North Carolina's Discrimination Bill

We compiled a short and comprehensive list of how A-list celebrities are responding to North Carolina’s discriminatory parking law.

Pepperdine Chaplain Sara Barton Writes Poem For Freedom Wall Denouncing the Freedom Wall

Barton's poem, posted to the Freedom Wall at Pepperdine, critiques personal freedom as a zero-sum economy and compares free speech she doesn't like to slavery.

Responding to Criticism, Warner Bros. to Adapt Childrens' Novel that Parents Also Read

When Suicide Squad happened, suddenly they realized, not only was this a story that could be told, but this was a story that needed to be told.

Björk's Amazing "The Voice" Audition Must Be Seen to Be Believed

Article written by George Stefano Pallas, of course.

Monday night’s episode of The Voice was as riveting and inspirational as ever, proving once again why we tune in twice a week for four hours to hear people sing karaoke versions of popular songs and receive unconditional praise from a panel of four artistically suspect judges.  A transgendered lesbian father of two chihuahuas wowed Christina Aguilera by singing Stay With Me by Tom Petty, from which she claimed that she deduced that he was gay before he even saw her, and that was why she wanted her on his team.

Other standouts in the season 10 premiere included an EPA student intern who did a stripped-down cover of the classic pop song Burn Burn Burn Burn, a 4-year-old ballet artist who brought the house down with Born In The U.S.A., and an African-American police officer who has used the pacifistic, masturbatory anthems of Justin Bieber to make it through times of extreme internal dissonance.  By the end of the night the coaches retired with a roughly equal number of soul and country singers, while Adam Levine took one delicate coffeehouse pop singer who pretended to play guitar under his wing.

The most surprising audition of the night came completely out of left field, in a spunky Icelandic woman whose giant voice and spirit more than compensate for her diminutive aspect.  Björk Guðmundsdóttir has been a singer, songwriter, and producer on nine weakly-selling studio albums, seven live records, five remix collections, two experimental film soundtracks, an ironically titled Greatest Hits album, and even a questionable collaboration with Death Grips, which CMT dubbed the Worst Band in the World.  That’s not even counting all the vocals she contributed to side-projects with K.U.K.L., The Sugarcubes, and a bunch of other now retired bands.  But Björk’s days of fooling around and making self-absorbed music for her own indulgent pleasure are over.  Now she’s aiming to hit it big time and become a serious, chart-topping artist.

“All my life has felt like a succession of commercial failures and almost, not-quite breakthroughs,” said Björk to the camera before her audition.  “It’s like the industry only ever wants to make room for women who start on the Disney Channel, don’t stand up to the studio heads, and act like f***ing strippers.  That’s why I’ve decided to go on The Voice, a show where nobody cares where you come from or what you look like.”

Not that that matters, because Björk looked absolutely stunning going into her blind audition, decked out in a gorgeous r**skin-themed eagle dress and sleek, science-fiction-themed eye makeup.  Facing the backs of the four notorious chairs, she later said she was so overwhelmed in the presence of her elfin woman-child adulthood idols that she wanted to disappear.

“I was about to embarrass myself in front of Blake Shelton, who’s done so much for the progression of music he’s not even funny.”  When the spotlight fell on her, though, she fearlessly rose to the occasion, and soon the whole audience was transfixed, completely lost for words and thoughts that weren’t related to how scary they find Donald Trump.  For a moment Björk was worried she wouldn’t get anybody to turn, but when Christina pressed down firmly on her button and spun around with a look of utter bafflement, that was all the confirmation she needed to carry on and knock it out of the park.

Christina was struck immediately by the appearance of the singer, jumping out of her chair and exuberantly applauding, as they do.  “OK, OK, OK.  I can do something with this,” she said.  “I don’t know what these guys to my left and right were thinking, but with your girl power and my coaching, I know the two of us have got this.”

With such a widely documented shortage of strong female and international performers on the show, which remains the most watched and influential karaoke singing competition in America, it’s a miracle that the two white male judges and obligatory diverse one didn’t act more enthusiastic to welcome Björk to their teams.  “You obviously have a lot of potential,” said Adam Levine, “And I think that this show can do amazing things for you.  That’s the magic of The Voice and having such an incredible network of teachers at your beck and call.  But I think another song would have been much more fitting for your voice as well as popular with the audience.  When we get to the live performances, you need to have them singing along and not even listening to what you’re doing, because then you’re screwed.”

Björk had opted to sing an original composition called Human Behaviour, the melody of which she wrote as a teenager.  “I wanted to sing an original song because many of my favorite artists from The Voice have done so on at least one point or another, and I wanted to carry that mantle for my predecessors,” said Björk.  “Javier Colon, Cassadee Pope, Tessanne Chin, Dia Frampton, Josh Kaufman: all of them not just major inspirations to me but indispensable forces of creative passion who are revolutionizing music as we know it.  Whereas people like Claire Boucher and Brian Eno, Michael Gira, you know, freaking Thom Yorke, Jason Pierce, and M.I.A. have been making really stale, boring, and unimaginative music that’s basically screaming Awards Bait, contestants on The Voice have been at the forefront of changing and advancing what we think of when we think of music, and I think that’s really important.”

In atypical fashion, Human Behaviour isn’t about a failed romantic relationship or normative modes of sexual communication at the club or sensations induced by the consumption of hallucinatory drugs.  Rather, the indefinable tribal dance beat depicts a universe governed by chaos from the view of an animal who’s observing and musing on the actions of higher mammals.  The line “There’s definitely, definitely, definitely no logic to human behavior” encapsulates Björk’s atheistic philosophy that humanity is bound to irrational animalism and amorality.  This is driven home by the wailing refrain, “And there is no map, insanity!”  In a world without Deus, even the instinctive actions of animals make more sense than the behavior of humans trapped in a delusional mindset that they’re acting with some sort of reason.

When she heard Adam’s advice about the inexpediency of her esoteric song choice, Björk laughed out loud and agreed wholeheartedly.  “That’s literally not even my best song.”

Pharrell also had mixed feelings on Björk’s risky performance, adding, “I wouldn’t say you knocked it out of the park, and I wouldn’t quite claim you brought the whole house down, and I wouldn’t go so far as to call it the bomb, and I definitely wasn’t blown away, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying that you killed it – sorry, Christina.”  Ultimately, though, he concluded on a positive note, calling hers “one of the best performances I’ve seen all night” and saying, “I think this is going to be the most talented season of the show we’ve ever had.”

Blake on the other hand encouraged her to branch out in the future and utilize her full range of abilities while performing.  “If you maybe played or convinced us you were playing two or three chords on an acoustic guitar for the first half of the first verse, it would make the whole thing so much more impressive and authentic.  You’ve proven you can sing the crap out of any song and in your own style, but we’re looking for a person who has the complete package, if you know what I mean.”

As per usual, Christina was overjoyed and had few constructive criticisms, though she encouraged her new team member to find the human connection in the lyrics and address the words to somebody in particular. “There’s so many cute boys out there in the crowd who’d love to be with you.  Just pick one out at random, imagine that you’re singing this to him, and I promise it’ll do wonders for your self-confidence on stage.  I’m not a sexist, it’s just true.”

Björk is definitely a different kind of vocalist, but if we’ve learned anything from the presidential campaigns of Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush, it’s that being different isn’t always a bad thing.  With a little lipstick and the collective brainstorming of the world’s most accomplished songwriters, producers, and mentors, The Voice may finally hammer this young woman of 50 years and about 20 albums into the pop star she was always meant to be.  Her competition will be extremely fierce, but as we know, the beauty of The Voice is that no artist – not even one as singular as Björk – leaves unchanged.  Or unimproved.

“I’m not going to come out and brag that I’m training any of the greatest singers who’ve, like, ever lived,” Christina humbly explained to Entertainment Weekly, “But I definitely have high hopes for Björk and what we can turn her into.  Possibly maybe she might just be America’s next Voice.”

Watch Björk's incredible blind audition below, plus an interview with a useful asshole.

12 Unbelievable Thoughts I Thought About Carly Rae Jepsen's New Album (And The Third Is Surprisingly Dirty)

We were reading stories about Planned Parenthood literally cutting open the face of an “intact case” to obtain and sell his brain when we happened to notice that the creator of the famous Call Me Maybe song had just dropped a new album, and then we noticed that freaking Pitchfork ran a review of it.  Naturally we had to get on the case and write about Carly Rae Jepsen’s latest intact record, because let’s be honest, how couldn’t we?

This special guest issue of The Author’s Playlist was written by Beatissima journalism student Dom Forke.

Carly Rae Jepsen, Emotion – Album Advertisement Review

Run Away With Me – Pure pop gold. I love the reverb and echo effects done on Carly’s voice.  This just makes me want to take my hands off the wheel, throw them in the air, careen straight into a tree, and kill myself.  My favorite lyric is, “I’ll be your sinner in secret / when the lights go out.”  So playful and flirtatious.

Emotion – Sounds exactly like a Haim track.  Gotta love it.  I’m glad that Carly Rae Jepsen is reaching out and ripping off a wider variety of artists now than she was earlier in her career.  Riding on suggestive lyrics about fantasies and tequila and inappropriately seeing women in one’s dreams, this clearly isn’t the same young and innocent Carly Rae Jepsen who stole our hearts with It’s Always a Good Time and Call Me Maybe.

I Really (Really, Really, Really, Really, Really) Like You – Hands down the best pop single since Shake It Off.  So catchy, with a chorus that’s instantly relatable to anyone who’s ever fallen in love or tricked themselves into thinking that they’ve fallen in love with someone to whom they are merely sexually attracted.  I love it when she says, “All I want to do is get into your head,” cleverly rhyming with red, like the color of her lips.

Gimmie Love – Obviously a reference to the late and legendary Biggie, Carly further pushes the boundaries by dropping a PG word (“whole damn night”) in the second verse.  This one grew on me more slowly than the rest, but after I listened through the album for the 11th time straight, I appreciated the simplicity of the repeating title in the chorus and the looping electronic bass line.

All That – A synthy, slow-paced throwback to the very best of easy listening.  Gives Thinking Out Loud a run for its money as the most touching and irresistible love song of the 2010s.  Make sure to listen alongside a muted torrent of Dirty Dancing or Grease for maximum impact.

Boy Problems – Listen up, girls.  This one’s for you.  Carly sings about how she just broke up with her boyfriend, but like Demi Lovatory, she doesn’t really care because she’s just got worse problems.  With an inspiring message about not defining yourself through men, this is necessary listening for girls who are going through those difficult, confusing tween years and don’t know what the heck is happening to their faces.

Making the Most of the Night – “Here I’ve come to hijack you,” belts Carly on the most seductive and blissful song of the album, which is an obvious innuendo referring to other female pop stars like Taylor Swift.  Insane production values and mixing make this a standout track in Jepsen’s catalog.

Your Type – Oh, the woes of being in the friendzone!  There’s a common misconception that only guys get friend-ed because girls can get sex whenever and with whomever they want (FEMINISM 101: umm, that’s totally not true), so it’s reassuring to see a major pop artist singing about this dreaded relationship stumbling block from a female perspective.  This reminds me of T. Swift’s You Belong With Me in all the right ways.

Let’s Got Lost – “I never wanted to discourage everything / your eyes encouraged silently.”  Beautiful and sugary with a sexy saxophone section entering over the bridge.  It’s good to know that Carly Rae Jepsen appreciates the sophistication of smooth jazz.  Remember Whiplash?  That was such a kick-ass movie!

LA Hallucinations – Sounds like a hip-hop-infused mashup of twenty different artists in one, but still a distinctively C-Ray song.  She even manages to work in a stinging jab at “Buzzfeed buzzards and TMZ crows”, which is just one of 22 reasons I love Carly Rae Jepsen.

Warm Blood – If Banks’ Warm Water and Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood were combined into one super-song, it would sound like Carly Rae Jepsen’s Warm Blood.  Probably the most experimental and progressive song she’s recorded, which is a good thing.  Many Carly Rae Jepsen fans don’t like it because it sounds so different from the style featured on her first album and her second album, but artists need to evolve artistically and we should support any traditional pop musician who has the courage to try new and different things like electronic pop music.  How could Kanye have made the auto-tuney, electro masterpiece 808s and Heartbreak if he didn’t first make the leap to break away from the stale, classic-sounding rap beats that dominated The College Dropout?

When I Needed You – Well, this is it.  We made it to the end.  I mean this is amazing!  Really sends the album out with a gunshot, that is a bang.

If you like weird, boring indie music by stuffy, overrated art musicians like Bjork, Led Zeppelin, Arctic Monkeys, Fiona Apple, Massive Attack, The Strokes, Jack White, The xx, Spoon, or Radiohead (ugh, I can’t stand those guys), you probably won’t like E·MO·TION by Carly Rae Jepsen.  If you just don’t get any of those people and like your basic Top 40 pop music as Basic as it can be, you’ll probably love this album. Carly Rae Jepsen isn’t a little girl anymore, and she’s here to prove that she can run with the best of them.

And the Author’s arbitrary rating is...

9.37 out of 10.  Eminently shallow but listenable pop music, unlike Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, etc. etc. excruciating hacks that you hear on the radio.  It ain’t Radiohead or U2 or Velvet Underground or some depressing fare like that, but it’s fairly fun for the flimsy stuff it is.

Hillary Clinton Says Size Doesn't Matter

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Historical ignorance, sizeism, and APish style decisions practiced by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

Former Secretary of State Hilary Clinton took a bold stand Wednesday on what’s certain to be the defining social issue of the 2016 presidential race. With the battle to legalize same-sex marriage officially settled by the United States’ most powerful non-legislative body, the winds of change have now begun to veer towards another underclass that’s long been lurking in the shadows, craving the same privileges and dignity that most American citizens take for granted.

Aligning herself with the Tiny House Movement may be the riskiest and most rewarding decision Clinton will make this political season. Considering the controversial statements and condemnation that tiny homeowners have endured from almost every Republican candidate at some time, Clinton is setting herself firmly at odds with social conservatives and trusting that she’ll benefit from increased commonality with the youth vote and their progressive values.

“Whether you’re building a tiny house with four other people and putting it on your trailer or it’s a crowd going out for a walk one night and decide they want to buy that house, I mean, what difference, at this point, does it make?” she said in a broadcast message for the nonprofit Human Rights Campaign. “TINY rights aren’t just rights for tiny homeowners. It’s human rights for everybody.”

Clinton’s video quickly went viral on Facebook and TINY residents celebrated it as a new pinnacle in the acceptance of their community’s ideals. America has been rapidly evolving on TINY rights, with fully 41% of likely voters now identifying with the Tiny House Movement as compared to 35% at the beginning of the previous administration. Television has begun to reflect this growing tolerance with an increase in TINY-centric programming, including HGTV’s “Tiny House Hunters”, “Tiny House: Big Living”, and “Tiny House Builders”, as well as TLC’s “I Am Tiny” and MTV’s “Tiny, Not Tamed”.

The GOP’s strategy so far has been to stay away from TINY issues and focus on improving the economy, but Clinton’s historic move and the burgeoning cultural movement may force them to take a more open stance on the TINY community. Baby boomers and Generation X are content with knowing that 2015 is the best time ever to build a tiny home in America, but socially liberal people insist that the country has a long way to go before it’s guaranteed equality for all property owners. In most states, they point out, TINY residents are not considered a protected class and aren’t ensured the same necessary protections from police and firemen.

“When was the last time you saw a cop busting down a tiny house door to stop a burglary?” asked Salon contributor Sara Jessabelle Watson on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer. “Exactly. This is what advocates of TINY living are talking about, you know, this wanton disregard for the rights of people just because their homes look different. And I think people are finally waking up to see the ashes, and there’s still a major gap between where voters are on this and Congress is. Tiny houses matter, and we won’t stop until we see as many tiny houses saved from burning down or getting robbed as regular houses.”

“We won’t stop until we see as many tiny houses... burning down or getting robbed as regular houses.” ~ Sara Jessabelle Watson

Once a requirement for enfranchisement in the pre-Civil War era, land ownership used to be a preferred weapon of the moneyed elite for suppressing the middleclass vote. Many tiny homeowners are concerned that religious conservatives will reinstate these laws to silence the voices of people with different living arrangements. “It’s definitely a concern of mine,” says Annalise Jefferston, who lives out of her trailer house with her roommate and friend Corynne Cox. “Like, I don’t plan on getting in a long-term relationship any time soon and to a lot of people, that’s just unbelievable to them because they think I should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, so yeah I’m concerned.”

Tiny homeowners also continue to fight for equal visitation rights, which remain limited because of institutional discrimination against their living conditions. “If my good friend and typical suburban mom Donna Dees-Thomases gets sick in her tiny house while she’s on the road, then she can only have two friends or partners over at a time,” says Clinton. “That is not just, and that’s not what America is about.”

“its ease to talk the talk but lets’ see @HillaryClinton walk the wack #tinyhousemovment #notconvined” ~ @TinaSimone

Not everyone in the Tiny House Movement is impressed by Clinton’s stand, though. The Alliance of TINYs Against Taxation (ATAT) gave a press release commending Clinton for her positive message but calling for a stronger display of solidarity. “If Clinton really wants to show that she understands the struggle of tiny homeowners, then she should purchase a tiny house and try living in it for a week.  A lot of people suspect she already owns a tiny house. Why doesn’t she just come out and say it?”

The Author’s Files reached out to Clinton to ask what she thought of Marco Rubio calling for a bipartisan plan to enact comprehensive homeownership reform. Before the publication of this article, we had an emailed reply direct from Clinton herself, but then we accidently put our computer’s hard drive through a shredder and lost the message forever.  It won’t make any difference.

Scientific Report: Amy Schumer Is Intolerably Acomical

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Misogyny and haterism expressed by the author were not expressed by the author but by Beatissima students and faculty alone and were merely quoted by the author.  In any case, they do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author, but let’s not be stupid.

The rumors have floated around for months, fueled in large part by a concurrent blitz of news media attention and love.  Now science has proven what every critically thinking individual already knew as fact: the only thing that’s funny about actress Amy Schumer is that anybody actually thinks she’s funny.

Student researchers and professors in Beatissima University’s esteemed Creative Writing program analyzed Schumer’s work through numerous historical, literary, and cross-cultural lenses, using data obtained from her Comedy Central skits, Twitter profile, and appearances on other marginally less unfunny persons’ talk shows.  All the evidence gathered corroborates a controversial thesis, which is that Schumer and feminist comedians in general are incapable of telling objectively funny jokes.

The abstract of the scathing, 20-page rebuttal reads:

“When she isn’t complaining about simple facts of human nature (such as men desiring attractive women over unattractive ones, all other things being equal), Schumer’s attempts at comedy take aim at and mercilessly eviscerate ‘standards of beauty’, male superiority, justification of rape, smile-shaming, and other cultural attitudes that don’t exist in the real world.  By making up such ludicrous, indefensible conceits and falsely presenting them as the mainstream or the norm, Schumer tactically beguiles gullible and comedically ignorant social-justice-warriors (SJWs) into perceiving her as a rebel against a backwards status quo – an important and enlightened messenger with a wit as sharp as her compassion is Progressive.

In reality, Amy Schumer is the fetal, swearing embodiment of every logically baseless internet cliché ever not aborted, and her habit of rehashing feminist talking points to appear socially conscious pointedly demonstrates how little she understands the function of good comedy, as comedy has nothing to do with being socially conscious or important. When Seinfeld consistently delivered laughs across a span of almost 10 years, it proved that social activism is, if not detrimental, completely tangential to true comedy.  Our algorithms yield that a show about nothing is, on average, 9.8 times more funny than Schumer’s shows, which she sincerely believes have to always be about something.”

Professor Thomas Peynton, who teaches No-BS English 101, pens: “I wouldn’t classify Amy Schumer’s brand as humorless per se, a la Magnolia, any Lars Von Trier film, Naked & Afraid, or House Hunters. Amy Schumer clearly thinks of herself as a funny person and prides herself accordingly.  Like most people, she has at least a rudimentary understanding of what humor is, even if she doesn’t know how real humor manifests itself.  The problem with Schumer is that she’s just so intolerably acomical.”

Senior Lacey Connor laid it out more bluntly. “Amy Schumer is doing to comedy what superheroes are doing to cinema.  She’s gonna wreck it.”

Another long forgotten picture of a prominent media darling.

The Beatissima brief ranks Schumer just above Lena Dunham and just below Sarah Silverman on the scale of funniness.  All fall well behind famous females like Lucille Ball, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ann Coulter, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Anna Kendrick, “for obvious reasons”.  Anticipating accusations of sexism and patriarchy, the group strongly rebutted the myth that women are never funny and merely feign funniness as a natural form of sexual flirtation.  “To be clear, there is no empirical basis for the misconception that women are biologically numb to humor.  Mean Girls and Juno and Harry Potter were written by women, as was Fifty Shades of Grey… A lot of other stuff was written by women too.”

How did Schumer get to be so assertively unfunny?  On this the researchers are divided and continue to test their own theories, but one common explanation called the Vicious Cycle Theorem attributes it to the comedian’s systemically escalating unattractiveness to men.

“Much of Schumer’s humor is predicated on perceived injustices committed against her by shallow, despicable men who don’t appreciate her as the successful woman she is.  These bitter attacks against the opposite sex only serve to further alienate potential mates, who now perceive her as bitchy and cold as well as plain.  As Schumer produces comedy and receives ever more recognition from the mainstream media, she comes to look more and more unmarriageable to males, which makes her feel more and more rejected and/or oppressed, which makes her produce ever more unrelatable, inaccurate, and unfunny sketches, all of which reinforce the not unfounded conspiracy that feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women equal access to the mainstream of society.”

Though Schumer skeptics are no doubt encouraged by the findings, the Beatissima report is unlikely to make much of a dent on her public image, originating as it did from Beatissima and written in dense, technical language that will likely confuse anyone who would gravitate to her unique sense of humor. Award-winning journalist Katie Couric of Yahoo! News has already inducted Schumer to her People To Watch list of 2015, an honorable position formerly held by Macaulay Culkin, Lindsey Vonn, Lupita Nyong’o, Lorde, and Kacy Catanzaro.  Still, at least one Beatissima student, @jennabeasic, linked to the study in a tweet.  “@amyschumer is overated af, stupid media baby. good thing i can always watch #parksandrec on #netflix and #bieberroast, HILARIOUS, #REALCOMEDY.”

Schumer leads an ensemble of comedic geniuses and SNL actors in Judd Apatow’s latest pet project Trainwreck, a dramedy about a sexually confident woman with realistic body proportions who avoids the perils of monogamous relationships until she falls in love in a white male heterosexual.  Trainwreck took off last night with a 93% Rotten Tomatoes score and some word of mouth and is playing in most theaters. You can also watch the Ant-man.

It is pretty unbelievable.

Still funnier than anything by Amy Schumer

Samus and the Super Smash Bros: Feminist Masterpiece or Misogynist Male Fantasy?

Cross-applied is a weekly feature in the Beatissima Garbage that takes the most infamous elements of the college paper’s editorial page and doubles them through a point-otherpoint, high school debate-style format.  Two “sensitive” culture critics argue about something no one else is arguing about and try to ascertain whether it’s detrimental to or supportive of equality, diversity, justice, whatever.  If you want to contribute your ideas to a future issue of Cross-applied exclusively for The Author’s Files, please pitch your grievance or stance to theauthorsfiles@gmail.com and we’ll consider whether it’s worth duking out.

Gareth Paltrey: Zero Suit Fights Rapists With Girl Power

2015 is a great year to be a feminist.  For decades there’s been a stigma in our society against feminism, largely because the vast majority of society don’t understand what feminism means, but thanks to the outspokenness of A-list celebrities and actions of concerned corporations, the social attitude towards feminism is finally starting to sway.

In September of last year, the beautiful, talented Teen Choice Award-winning actress Emma Watson used her influence among remaining Harry Potter fans to make a powerful and deeply inspiring defense of gender equality.  Shortly thereafter, Taylor Swift met Lena Dunham and came out of the feminist closet, giving hundreds of 15-year-olds the courage to take a stand and identify themselves as feminist.  Then Hillary Clinton stepped forward despite unprecedented GOP resistance and declared her 2016 candidacy for the U.S. president, making her the first woman who counts to run for president since Hillary Clinton in 2008. Finally, we saw a wave of openly feminist, progressive movies receive widespread critical and financial success, including “Edge of Tomorrow”, the new “Mad Max,” the new “Pitch Perfect,” the new “Avengers,” and the new “Terminator” movie starring Khaleesi as Sarah Connor.

But possibly the greatest victory for women’s equality was in video gaming, an arena which has long been controlled by patriarchy and misogynistic developers.  Feminist bloggers like Anita Sarkeesian brought attention to the blatant sexist stereotyping of women in the industry’s best-selling games, and the hateful underbelly of Gamergate’s defenders rose to the forefront of the public’s discussion.  While some developers continued to churn out the same ugly, male-dominated entertainment they did before (see the horrible “The Witcher 3” for the epitome of disgusting sexist representations in video gaming), Nintendo heard the public’s call for change and answered it with flying colors, giving us one of the best and most diverse games in years.  I’m talking of course about “Super Smash Bros. for Wii U.”

Nintendo’s always been a leader when it comes to creating strong and independent female characters, starting with the original Metroid on the NES and culminating in the dorm room phenomenon known as Super Smash Bros.  They’ve had their stumbles here and there with characters like Princess Peach who exist solely to be rescued by male plumbers, but they’ve always been open to the desires of fans and quickly rectified situations deemed offensive.  When female Super Mario and Donkey Kong fans protested the weak and two-dimensional portrayals of hapless damsels in those games, Nintendo turned the tables on traditional gender roles with games like “Super Princess Peach” and “Ocarina of Time”, the latter of which is often considered the best video game for Nintendo console owners of all time.

Through three installments on the N64, Gamecube, and Wii, Super Smash Bros. added to the company’s roster of tough female characters and proved once and for all that women can kick just as much, if not more ass than men.  As everybody knows, the series’ toughest competitor is actually a woman, the agile and ridiculously OP Princess Zelda, but Zero Suit Samus is a close runner-up.  Zero Suit might look and sound like a cheap porno star to ignorants, but she’s actually the most important and feminist creation of Nintendo.

Zero Suit Samus’ redesign for “Super Smash Bros. for Wii U” reduces her to the skimpiest apparel we’ve ever seen her slip into, but she remains just as powerful and intimidating as she does in past games, impressively holding her own against Luigi, Marth, and Daaaaark Purple Pit.  In my dorm at Beatissima, the overwhelming scientific consensus is that she’s incredibly hot, but all the guys want to play as her because she’s strong on top of being fricking gorgeous.  Zero Suit embraces her sexuality but doesn’t enslave herself to it, using her stunning beauty for self-empowerment rather than exploitation.  In an ironic twist on conventional male leadership in sexual relationships, she even lashes out at opponents with a laser whip, showing who’s the real dominant partner.  Samus Aran is a rare ravishing blonde in video games who isn’t defined as a simple accessory to men and exceeds all three rules of the Bechdel Test.

A lot of conservative, middle-aged mothers have complained (not on the internet, of course; there are no girls on the internet) about her revealing skins, dubbing her combat bra and short shorts “space undies” or “stripper clothes.”  As it turns out, this incendiary backlash is exactly the reason why characters like Samus are a social necessity in modern gaming.  With the risk of making the same mistakes and ignorant generalizations they all make, I don’t want to lump all of Zero Suit’s detractors together.  Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, and we should be able to have a civil discussion without namecalling and personal attacks.

With that said, the resistance to Zero Suit’s depiction in Super Smash Bros. is rooted in the same archaic, patriarchal Puritanism that misogynists used to oppress women up until the Voting Rights Act, and I mean that in the most non-personal way.  The Supreme Court has declared free speech to be a civil right, so conservatives are free to say whatever they want about Samus, but that doesn’t mean there’s any excuse for slut-shaming.  It’s 2015.  Isn’t it about time we stop criticizing and humiliating women for the makeup they put on, the food they eat, the clothes they do or don’t wear, and just love each other as fellow fetuses?

Like Katniss Everdeen, Lara Croft, and Rita Virtoshi, Zero Suit Samus provides an inspiring role model for young girls and fills a void in a gaming culture that’s often hostile to female nerds.  With more feminist characters who are comfortable in their sexuality and able to compete with men, gender inequality and rape culture will be seen for what they are, a thing of the past that’s just as outdated as racism and bullying.

Jess Dewon: Hey Nintendo, Michael Bay Wants His Supermodel Stereotype Back

Almost thirty years ago, Nintendo shocked the world with an inspiring and empowering heroine, a female Bobafett of the video gaming world.  Samus Iran made her kick-ass debut in the Metroid franchise in 1986, blasting her way through parasitic aliens and ruthless space pirates.  Samus became instantly beloved by gamers everywhere and went on to empower women all over the globe.  Samus showed us all that a woman can hold her own, even in a dark and dangerous world like Metroid’s, and can be more than just a mere object.

However, Nintendo in several releases for the Wii and Wii U, let everyone down with the release of Samus’ racy “Zero Suit”, an embarrassing tight bodysuit that serves no other purpose than to pointlessly objectify the series’ protagonist.  Nintendo’s continued use of the zero suit is an unfortunate reflection of the current state of women in all current gaming.  Whether Trip needs a leg up in “Enslaved” or Cortana decides to let it all hang in “Halo 4,” women are constantly portrayed as nothing more than either sex symbols or helpless damsels in distress respectively.  Playing Super Smash Bros. is an exercise in chauvinism just as much as any Michael Bay movie or HBO original show (except for Lena Dunham’s “Girls”, which is amazing and very progressive).

But Samus’ skin-tight get-up is hardly Nintendo’s only step back from feminism and sexual equality.  For decades, Mario has had to rescue Princess Peach from the evil Bowser, and Nintendo’s games have forever been flooded with heroic male protagonists, be it Donkey Kong, or the genius Professor Layton. Nintendo has also recently acquired the racy Bayonetta series.  These poor decisions just reinforce the sadly accurate mindset that the video game industry is nothing but a giant, exclusionary sausage fest.

Samus’ zero suit shows that Nintendo can’t see past a woman’s body to create a strong, female lead in a video game without overly sexualizing that character.  When Samus wore an armored exo-suit in the previous Metroid games, she could be seen as a serious protagonist and an intimidating warrior.  Just as Microsoft would never deign to show Master Chief in a skimpy pair of boxers, Nintendo should not deign to take away Samus’ armor.  Stripping Samus Iran of her armor is equivalent of stripping her of her power and gravitas.  Its undeniable that Nintendo’s apparent objectification of Samus is nothing but disappointing and is a huge let down to the whole gaming community.  Far too many games in today’s culture push back against feminism, and to lose one of the industry’s most empowering figures is an enormous step backwards.

Still worse, Zero Suit Samus has brought out the worst in the very gamers playing, leading to racy mods, “sexy freeze-frame” compilations, sexist internet memes, and disgusting fan art on social sharing websites like “Deviant Art”.  While every woman, especially a driven character like Samus, should have the right to embrace or reject their sexuality as they desire, the zero suit feels like nothing more than a ploy to weaken Samus’ image.

Nintendo’s zero suit doesn’t further Samus’ character in any way.  It doesn’t even go so far as to show her emotional vulnerability, an admittedly necessary trait in any hero, male or female, cis or trans.  Needless to say, I find Nintendo’s choices both disappointing and distressing, and I can only hope the gaming industry chooses to reform its current ways and show a little more open-mindedness.

The Garbage #2 – Did You Not Tell Them It Was The Lord's School?

Excerpted from George’s someday-to-be-released memoir about life and times at Beatissima University, featuring rare articles previously published in the Beatissima Garbage.

Beatissima Named Best 6-Figure Youth Group Retreat In Country

The U.S. News and World Report has released its influential college evaluations for the year of 2015, and Beatissima University has ranked highly in several categories, including Best Location, Most Energetic Welcoming Committee, Cutest Perpetual Virgins, and Friendliest Metaphorical Family.  Indeed, surveys have shown that Beatissima students stand a smaller chance of getting racially slurred, slut-shamed, or taken advantage of in a drunken state than those at other babysitting institutions, but the celestial seaside campus received especial acclaim as the best Vacation Bible School in America.

Victoria Pyrrha, an intern at Campus Ministry, was filled by the honor and said the report testifies to Beatissima’s status as a campus that mediates spiritual growth and communion with God.  “Not only are we among the best places to grow closer to God, but we’re also now held to be the best 4-year youth group retreat available to young Christians who will be leaving their parents’ house for the first time and figuring out how they’re going to survive in a real world that’s being steadily overrun by the Nones.”

Beatissima also offers courses in traditional secular fields like Chemical Engineering, Pre-euthanasia, False Communications, Communist Writing, Freudian Psychology, Howard Zinn’s History, Theater, Dance, Film, and Music, but most Beas commit to the school mainly for its eclectic offering of spiritually enriching group activities.  The school upholds the seeking for religious truth as a core plank of its mission statement and enforces this search by mandatory attendance of provocative “convocation” lectures that challenge and strengthen Christian belief.

The Convocation Office says the anonymous social media application Yik Yak testifies to the events’ constructive value.  Users on Yik Yak are very often the most engaged with speech-based convocation messages, having remarked at various points: “OMFG, Wdnsy morning convo is blowing my mind, like I can’t even,” and “black lives matter, haha, well duh #martinlutherkingjr #derp” and “Tony Campolo is a very funny guy to watch.  Best convo ever.  Keep talking about Israeli incursions on the Muslims territory, man.”

“Convo is bea.  I need to look at my feed some time of the day.  #thug lyfe #hiiipower” ~ Yik Yak user

For the less introverted members of the Christian faith (although most denominations will claim that every Christian has to join with other Christians in community and figurative bodily unity), residence leaders at Beatissima also organize small Bible study clubs where more spiritual and reflective students offer interpretations of Scripture and the rest listen thoughtfully while taking notes on their phones.  And then there’s the sheer diversity of worship or service opportunities happening literally every day of the week.

Even with the range of religious outlets, sophomore Oliver Cheever still isn’t satisfied with the university’s accommodations.  “I’d love to spend all day worshiping God and glorifying his name.  I’ve gone on mission trips to Mexico, played the keyboard violin at the Well, joined first- and second-year convo clubs at the same time, worshipped in four different languages including, yes, Arabic – judge not –, caught every Campus Ministry and Campus Rec trip, cleansed the Freedom Wall of too many heresies to count, met with my SLA every other day for lunch and confession of sins, and sat through every redundant, rehashed purity talk offered by the university.  Who needs studying at the beautiful Beatissima University?”

A solid bedrock if ever there was one.

Financial Aid Office issues refunds to undocumented students

Citing the need for Christian compassion and charity towards “the least of these,” Beatissima’s president of intercultural assimilation, Barry Hugh Sein, said that the university will start refunding aspiring learners for the tuition they never paid in the first place.  He pointed to federal policies like the earned income tax credit as predictors of the executive action’s solvency in boosting the productivity and confidence of undocumented students.

Sein issued the following statement exclusively through the Garbage:

“Undocumented students are Beas in every way except print: they go to class, they don’t go to class, they run away on weekends, they reluctantly eat the chicken tenders from the H.E.C.K. late at night, they smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, they complain about having to smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, they ask that really cute, quiet girl in the Great Books small group out on a real, one-to-one date – hell, they’re even more evolved than real Beas on that account.  Cowards.

“Why should some financial difficulties have the final say on who goes and who stays at Beatissima University?  After all, doesn’t our Christian mission call for us to be receiving of strangers and to love our moochers as ourselves?”

Not everyone is fond of the squatters, though.  While the campus’ administration praises the refund of formerly unpaid funds to undocumented learners as a gesture of inclusiveness and redistributing educational opportunities, officially accepted, fully paid students condemn the refund of formerly unpaid funds as a gesture of inclusiveness and redistributing economic opportunities.

“I don’t have a problem with them staying here,” says Jenna Ross, a resident in Lowerniche Apartments. “We need to keep in mind that these are people who’ve been driven to our campus from extremely turbulent circumstances, mostly created by us.  They’re coming to us as refugees from lower levels of education, seeking a more promising future for themselves and, well, themselves, and we should treat them just like the Israelites were asked to treat the Gentiles.”

“I just don’t want them staying at my place or on my money because, you know, I don’t have any.  But if someone else does, by all means they should be the good Samaritan, good host, whatever.  Sign them up.”

As an American school protected by local firefighters and built around public infrastructure, Beatissima is constitutionally obligated to provide unaccepted students the same educational opportunities as documented Beas.

Classifieds

- Feeling horny, Need to smash right now? - Health Center prudes won’t provide vital preventative care? Save the drive to CVS, purchase high-quality rubbers from unlicensed student dealer. 82% effectiveness rate guaranteed! only $1 a pop. Facetime username ladiesman216 or text 310-318-2596.

Social Media Expert For Hire Trouble filling out 128 characters or crafting the perfect hashtag for that Instapost? Experienced user, IMC major, can beef up your profile on                   Facebook      Twitter       Instagram     Snapchat                   Tumblr        Google +      Myspace       Vine Pay per friend/follower increase or flat payment of whatever you think a “social media expert” is worth. Disclaimer: don’t understand Youtube, Wordpress, or LinkedIn. Call the office of the Garbage.  We’re not doing anything else.

WANTED: useful idiots Now hiring vessels of the gay agenda, must wear “I support LGBT” button in public *Qualifications: shameless, well-intentioned ideologue. Recommended: 2 yrs public school social studies, PS104, or equivalent, reads Huffington Post This is a full-time, unpaid internship. All participants will receive a Facebook equal sign sticker for their Toyota Priuses. Contact Kim Took (kim.took@beatissima.edu)

The Garbage #1 – The M.R.S. degree and Non-Afrophobic Democrats

Excerpted from George’s undocumented and semi-autobiographical exposé Searching for Nuggets of Truth at an American University, which features groundbreaking and rare articles originally published in the Beatissima Garbage newspaper.

Beatissima tailors courses for newer, dumber generation.

Perhaps the biggest upset of the new year was the announcement that Beatissima University is considering adoption of another set of degrees prepared specifically to meet the evolving needs and (in)abilities of Millenials.  The proposed career paths have attra­cted derision and support respectively from students and the parents severely indebting themselves for their sake.

The most controversial of the revisions to Beatissima’s curricula is an accelerated, 24-unit major in Wifedom intended to supplement the equally inapplicable minor in Women’s and Having Sex Studies. Academic experts claim the program is meant to acknowledge the now indisputable reality that many women simply aren’t coming into college with the communication, workplace skills, and basic mental equipment to secure a high-paying job in the real world.

Director of admissions Sugar Colton explained to the Garbage staff that he’s “observed a lot of potential in the female first-years of class 2014.  I’m thrilled to see a new batch of world-changers committed to shining a light on women’s rights and contributions in the modern world.  Many of our top students have gone on to write for Tumblr and the Huffington Post.  A select few talented individuals have actually found positions at Fox News and CNN, and one of our theater majors even got a physically demanding role on HBO’s Girls.  I see potential in each and every one of our family, but some women have potential in different places than others.”

“I’ve observed a lot of… female first-years of Class 2014.” ~ Sugar Colton
(quote distorted for outrageousness and style)

Another Beatissima insider named Wayne Capcall put the matter more bluntly.  “69% of you Caligirls just aren’t cut out for the workplace, whether that be by alienating others with your Feminist droning, sounding dumb, or being generally, all-around stupid.  But I’m sure you’re a really nice person on the inside, and even if you aren’t, some idiot will probably marry you for your outside.”

Current and potential Beas have denounced the implications of the decision, calling it insulting to their identity and deeply regressive.  Valentine “Val” Hagel, a Junior Political Science major, tweeted in a series of messages, “Beatissima Housewife major reeks of misogyny. #its2015  Like, what kind of sexist, chauvinist pig do you have to be to suggest that women are good for nothing but, like, cooking and housekeeping and raising kids and stuff like that?  Big B prob thinks woman shouldn’t be allowed to vote or make decisions about their own bodies, did I mention this is misognist? #yesallwomen”

“69% of women are Feminist or stupid.” ~ Wayne Capcall
(quote fabricated for purposes of straw man)

Parents, however, have welcomed the addition of the program, noting it will save them a lot of money and put their daughters on a much faster track to financial independence and a respectable lifestyle.

One mother, Marge M. Acker, spoke candidly with the Garbage editor about the decision.  “I was calling up my girl Julia yesterday and asking her, ‘Have you found yourself a nice boyfriend yet?’

“She was like, ‘Mom,’ and I was all, ‘Just kidding,’ and then we laughed for a while and talked about how her studies were going.

“But seriously.”

Student activists recreate non-MLK-related display for MLK Day

In remembrance of Martin Luther King Jr. and the impending demise of Oprah Winfrey’s and Michael Brown’s Oscar-nominated propaganda film “Selma”, the Racially Tolerant Caucasians of Beatissima Club held a peaceful and vaguely topical march-in at the CCB to advance the cause of African-Americans, African-English, and Kenyan immigrants in general.  Black teenagers were encouraged to join but leave their arms at home, while all participants were expected to put their hands up and refrain from breathing.

Apollo Guys, leader of the club and young founder of headline-winning firm Makedown, says of the march, “We didn’t ask to be born white, and we certainly didn’t ask to bring so much social injustice down on the heads of black people, Hispanics and/or Latinos, Muslims, or other races.  But we have to some extent or another created these ongoing problems and it’s our responsibility to set them straight – no heterosexism intended.”

Guys is acutely aware of the disadvantages ethnic minorities face at a school as white as Beatissima, one of which is that there are just fewer of them.  “My friend Theo is the only black guy in his upper-division computer science class,” he states.  “Can you imagine how hard that is for him?”

There’s also the pervasive presence of microaggressions on campus which make minorities feel excluded and different.  “Theo was walking down the stairs to the Fieldhouse once when someone going the opposite direction moved to the other side of the steps.  It’s insecure behavior like this that all racially nonbigoted whites at Beatissima need to actively work to check in themselves.”

Racially Tolerant Caucasians stand for a multitude of stock issues promoting the social, legal, and financial equality of African-Americans, including affirmative action, wealth redistribution, and increased funding for failing public schools.  For more information, visit their page at the Beatissima Inter-Club Council’s website.

Fireworks, Soccer Reveal Disturbing Truths About American Psyche

Articles written by George Stefano Pallas.  Timidity, stupidity, jumbled metaphors, and pop-culture references expressed by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

Obama to answer Iraq crisis with jerseys on the ground

While a Congress buried in partisan gridlock bickers endlessly over which regime is primarily to blame for the deteriorating stability of Iraq, President Obama has sent a strong message to the jihadist army storming the region that he means business.  In a serious bid to reclaim the U.S. influence he eagerly gave up three years ago when he directed every last one of the U.S. forces to evacuate the Middle-Eastern country, Obama has stepped up the strictly rhetorical battle against the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS as it’s referred to for the sake of avoiding the confusion of a legitimate nation-state with a metaphorical pseudo-state.

According to credible, unbiased news outlets like CNN and the New York Times, America has finally caught up with the rest of the socialistic world to appreciate the complexities of The Beautiful Game, and the president has taken that progress into his foreign policy considerations.  NBC News, Google CEO Larry Page, and the White House itself formerly leveraged the hype surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympic Games to denounce homophobia and communicate the United States’ acceptance of all sexual lifestyles in sports.  By the same token, Obama hopes to pacify and have a dialogue with ISIS through the universal language of sports, this time by exploiting current obsession with the World Cup.

Sports have historically played a crucial role in guiding international negotiations and preserving worldwide stability.  Mere months ago, it was through the bond of brotherhood shared by basketball players that U.S. ambassador Dennis Rodman engaged North Korea’s authoritarian ruler Kim Jong Un (albeit at the cost of his own life) to enter peace talks with South Korea, disband its nuclear arsenal, and release prisoners detained for religious or political dissension.  Much further back, when the 100 Years War was still raging between France and England, the Dauphin sought to mollify King Henry V over a lighthearted game of tennis, and even before that tradition was enshrined in theater, it’s said that the ancient Romans would use rousing contests of strength in the Coliseum to connect with emergent religious minorities such as Christianity.

The president hopes he’ll have the same fortune with the holy Muslim army and has already assigned Secretary of State John Kerry with the task of arranging a game between U.S. players and their jihadist competitors.  Kerry declares he’s excited about the potential to close barriers between cultures and is committed to achieving peace by any means necessary, even if by the notoriously controversial game of soccer, which he insists is becoming more broadly accepted every day just as society is growing more tolerant of formerly stigmatized lifestyles like homosexuality, which primitive and regressive peoples used to

fear might lead to severe mental, spiritual, and health effects.

Obama has spoken of soccer (or football, as the rest of the world calls it) in the most glowing of terms, calling it his favorite televised entertainment next to “Modern Family”, “Mad Men”, and “House of Cards”. Appealing once again to the recurring imaginary figure, the president said that, “If I had a son, he’d playing soccer long before pro-football.”  Like many Americans, he appreciates the game’s multicultural aspect in that it brings his country together with other people’s republics in a spirit of good will and rivalry from which neither nation need necessarily emerge victorious, but he also admires the nonviolent nature of the sport, in which players often vie to see not just who can score the most goals but also who can sustain the most fake knee injuries in the process of performing as little physical activity as possible.

Mr. Obama’s motion has been met with soaring approval from Pacifists, a Democratic Senate, and USA Today readers.  In under 120 characters, foreign policy expert @FlyInStilletos concurred, “We should embrace soccer because it unites us with other cultures through friendly competition.”  But conservatives are rallying against the president’s tactics, calling them foolish and ineffectual.  Ann Coulter furiously writes that, “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay…  In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway.   There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised.”  She recommends challenging ISIS to football instead.

In other news, Obama recently invited non-American actress and esteemed economist Keira Knightley to testify on the pressing need to realize equal pay for equal non-work in women’s soccer.  “As much as we want to feel the realm of women’s sports is like a feel-good comedy,” she said, “it’s really more of a dark tragedy, and while I applaud the president’s support for the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act and other propositions, I would reaffirm that the rules as they stand are really more like guidelines anyway, judging by the White House’s own employment disparity between genders.”

The Author would comment on the State Department’s reaching-out to ISIS but has temporarily committed all his mental faculties to ascertaining whether Lindsey Stirling even cares enough about soccer to make his pretense of interest worthy of the effort.

4th of July Fireworks Illuminate Partisan Divide

A coded message to Democrats as seen at a Patriots-sponsored Independence Day event.

When the executive branch warned Americans last fall that the Republican shutdown would compel the federal government to gut vital services such as panda cameras, non-essential environmental studies positions, student White House tours, and Independence Day fireworks shows, many conservatives were understandably outraged, accusing the administration of overstepping its boundaries and threatening the privileges of middle-class Americans to achieve its agenda.  Now the issue of public tolerance for fireworks has become even more contentious, as newly-elect New York City mayor Bill de Blasio acted upon the advice of his predecessor and fellow Nanny State Party affiliate Michael Bloomberg to add 4th of July celebrations to the long line of things already banned within the city limits, including soda cups of an arbitrarily delegated size, the burdening of beasts of burden, cigarettes, e-cigarettes, trans fats, etc.

De Blasio cited environmental and fiscal concerns as the city council’s main justification for prohibiting the Macy’s fireworks show and others.  Due to the lack of scientific research on the subject of these explosives and the strong potential for resultant smoke clouds to trap heat from the sun, the mayor deemed it prudent to restrict these activities until a solid “consensus” is reached in the “scientific community” that the aftermath of fireworks shows “doesn’t contribute to global, man-made climate change.”  Co-sponsor of the ban Al Gore said that it’d be “irresponsible to gamble the security of our children’s children for a momentary bit of selfish amusement and chest-thumping patriotism.”

The White House agreed with a press release stating that “in order to preserve the blessings of 4th of July fireworks for ourselves, our posterity, and other folks, we must practice good stewardship of the blessings we presently enjoy on account of the generosity of foreign lenders.  A lot of people mistakenly assume that America’s system of unbridled capitalism enabled one of our technological pioneers to invent the firecracker that’s become a hallmark of Independence Day tradition, but we didn’t build that.”

Free-market, environmental activists advocating economical but green solutions to the country’s foreign dependency have likewise applauded De Blasio’s law and its selling point of reducing U.S. reliance on Chinese imports, an effect which is bound to curb corporations shipping jobs overseas and build incentives for creating shovel-ready jobs back in America.

Rivals of New York’s progressive administration have seized upon the ban as a chance to attack the forward trajectory of the country at large, calling it a slippery slope that both diverts attention from the real problem, viz. excess spending on something or another, and opens a door to further encroachments on constitutional rights in the name of protecting the environment.  “Before you know it,” said former Massachusetts Governor and conservative icon Mitt Romney, “they’re going to be banning such important pastimes as birthday parties at public schools just on the basis that they make kids fat.”

The Pew Research Center modeled American attitudes on 4th of July displays in a poll released this last weekend which showed a sharp split between the political right and left on the subject of the fireworks. While “steadfast conservatives” by a majority of 80% answered that fireworks were a symbol of their American Pride, 60% of “solid liberals” claimed that watching fireworks go off didn’t give them any sense of Pride whatsoever and that they’d be more likely to take Pride in other things, like their pigmentation or sexual flexibility.

Even more strangely, most respondents agreed that the awe they experienced in watching fireworks far eclipsed their satisfaction with the current state of American government.  Pew concluded that if the aim of fireworks is to celebrate the past while simultaneously pointing out the impending explosion that is the present, they’ve served their purpose remarkably.

Unfortunately, the polarization over fireworks is yet another sign of America’s diminishing middle ground and inability to compromise.  Obama likens speaking with the deniers of fireworks-caused global warming to “being the tough parent who has to reason with their kids who just want to eat candy and sip on slurpees for dinner and you tell them, ‘That’s not good for you,’ but they’re like, ‘Give me, give me more!’ and once you’ve paid for their slurpee, they run off and leave you with the tab, and then they have the nerve to come ask you for the keys back!  There’s always been a fringe that insists on denying scientific fact, but I don’t remember a time when people expected their lawmakers to indulge the kooks who said the moon was flat or the earth was made of cheese.”

“I’ll always have fond memories of fireworks shows as a kid,” said the president, who’s been striding a thin line between retaining the approval of big businesses and alienating the green lobby which backed him throughout both elections.  “Nobody’s talking about taking your fireworks shows away, but at the same time, we have to recognize that everything is best in moderation.  There’s nothing wrong with enjoying these ceremonies, but it’s just as vital that we leave the same opportunity to our kids twenty years down the line.”

Whatever the future holds for fireworks in America, one thing’s for certain: if you listen closely enough on the 4th of July, you can hear them go o-o-oh as they shoot across the sky-y-y.

Another Faith-Based, Feature-Length Music Video Panned by Critics

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Ridicule or endorsement of Christian cultural reactionism/alternative religious fads expressed by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

After the overwhelming financial success and overwhelmingly negative reviews reeled in by 3D Christian-oriented concert-experience movies “Courageous” and “God’s Not Dead”, Spotlight Pictures is adding another critical dud to its roster that’s nonetheless expected to perform exceedingly well against another Godzilla remake this weekend.  “Write Your Story” currently holds a Rotten Tomatoes score of 3.16%, but professional Hollywood number-crunchers at Breitbart, Fox News, and Christian Broadcasting Network have predicted that it should feature enough Christian celebrities for the Christian Rotten Tomato readership to redeem its unpolished writing and direction.

Although neither Newsboys nor Casting Crowns were free to appear in the new documentary, director and co-writer Alex Kendrick isn’t pulling any punches with the radio-friendly cameos, assembling a star-studded cast of evangelical heartthrobs that’s virtually a covenant of box-office gold.  Among those confirmed to have a place in the congregation are hip-hop emissaries Lecrae and TobyMac, heavy-metal emissary Skillet, bubblegum-pop emissary Britt Nicole, inspirational self-help speaker Joel Osteen, the anti-gay Benham brothers who almost stole an HGTV renovation show dedicated to helping poor homeowners, and, last but certainly not least, catchy song-printing-machine Francesca Battistelli, whose hit single lends the film its title.

Also thought to be involved in the film’s production was U2 lead singer Bono, popularly recognized as the world’s richest F-bomb-dropping, capitalism-praising, Clinton ***-kissing, philanthropizing closet Christian artist, occasionally outed.  To the regret of many, this rumor appears more dubious in recent days following the expulsion of fellow mainstream artist Justin Bieber over his widely reported and repeated violations of church teaching on drinking, church teaching on drug abuse, church teaching on strip club attendance, church teaching on profanity, church teaching on self-idolatry and Belieber cult leadership, church teaching on vandalism, and church teaching on cellphone theft.

Producer Pierre Tann said that the studio “[is] very much concerned with gathering an ensemble of God-fearing men and women, people who will serve as positive role models to the predominantly young audiences our film was made to entertain.  If any one of Write Your Story’s performing acts gives us cause to reconsider – to think, you know, is this really someone who would best suit an occasion of worship and praise, or will his mistakes end up being too much of a distraction and negative influence on viewers? –, then we’ll definitely look elsewhere for artists who better fulfill our mission.  We’re not looking to attract controversy.”

Indeed, Mr. Tann has already refused the advances of such noted Christian reality stars as anti-dating fundamentalists Jim Bob and Michele Duggar, straight white Republican quarterback Tim Tebow, and unkempt redneck homophobe Phil Robertson.  While Tann respects all these men for clinging to their guns in religion, he still maintains that accepting them to the project would invite a score of risks that would ultimately undercut Write Your Story’s appeal among its prime demographic, one of which is that they would actually quote the Bible during production.

“Let me stress that we are trying to make as safe a film as possible, one that’ll be easily digested by those of all denominations and religious persuasions, so what we’re really most interested in is making sure people have a good time and get to spiritually bond with their brothers- and sisters-in-Christ through some powerful and uplifting music.  We could care more about theology, making people think, all that stuff.”

This approach sets the film apart from thinking Christian men’s films like “Facing the Giants”, “Courageous”, “Noah”, and “The Passion of the Christ”, all of which had complex character development and challenged viewers to deeply ponder the reasons for their faith.  “We’re just rocking out and praising Jesus’ name, you know?” Tann explains.  “Critical thought is kind of a secondary priority to us.”

And the priorities show, at least according to most critics.  Rex Reed scathingly drawled, “Write Your Story’s script is an empty page torn from an empty book and stretched out over a very painful hour and a half, its very title an unfulfilled plea to the authors for its hope.”  Notwithstanding the apparent lack of any sort of plot beyond the 3D glasses, other commentators took issue with the plausibility of what little action did play out in scenes, with Scott Bowles of the New York Times emphasizing, “I want to tell you now that I believe it.  I want to tell you now that I believe it.  I do.  But I just can’t.”

Foreign citizen and philosophical Progressive Piers Morgan was unable to critique the credibility of the script using logical reasoning, but nonetheless savaged the singing across the board, commenting, “It sounded in many places like drowned rats getting strangled.  I couldn’t tell you what that sounds like, but it’s definitely not good.  You would be an unbelievably stupid man to pay for this rubbish.  In fact, you would be a dangerous man helping to espouse dangerous nonsense.  You shame your country if you support this fundamentalist indoctrination.”

On a much different note, USA Today’s Claudia Puig lamented the lack of ethnic, religious, and sexual diversity in the movie, calling Lecrae’s inclusion “a forced effort” to meet poorly enforced racial quotas and Caucascian TobyMac’s role an “insult on top of injury… even more offensive than Mackelmore’s victory over certified African-blood rappers Kendrick Lamar and Kanye West at the Grammys.”  Though she conceded that Kendrick had technically enlisted a number of women to figure in the show, she contended that these didn’t count because not one of them has yet lobbied for free abortion, Lilly Bedletter fair pay, or contraception rights and because all are faithfully married to their husbands, perpetuating the “bourgeoisie institution of the family.”

Rotten Tomatoes’ summary of licensed film critics’ evaluations reads, “‘Write Your Story’ desperately wants to be a work of art, but too often stumbles from the path of righteousness.  This is your life.  Don’t let them do with it whatever they like.”  But despite universal backlash from the secular moviegoing population, the movie has been met with general praise by its target segment, which consists largely of teenage girls and youth group members.

Said host Rick Skycrest of Air 1 Radio, “If you liked hearing ‘Write Your Story’ every single time you got into your car, then you’re going to love ‘Write Your Story’ on the big screen.”  Pastor Cliff Shane said that “the movie is going to take them all to church, like literally.  It’s amazing.”

Not to be outdone, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints is mulling an initiative of its own to capitalize on the faith-based concert experience’s ever growing momentum.  Initial reports postulated that Stephanie Meyer would write a script to be shot by Youtube sensation Devin Graham that would star David Archuletta, Imagine Dragons, The Piano Guys, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but this concept was scratched when developers realized that they could more effectively fulfill the church’s missionary goals without smashing together an array of genres and dudes so stylistically incompatible they’d implode under the pressure of their diversity and maleness.

The focus of the unfolding project changed dramatically when Aaron Darylfonsky joined the producers’ team. “Frankly at this point we’re more concerned about getting non-LDS believers into the theater or people who are less religious.  Single, male, right-wing bloggers like Mr. Josephos Rex.  So we think to ourselves, how can we most effectively lure these people into the cinemas while still creating a music-based film that represents the church, its moral philosophy, its commitment to Christ-like living, and its revelations as passed down to us by the golden tablets of Joseph Smith?  From here, the answer to our dilemma was clear.”

The Author almost wanted to go see “Write Your Story” for this week’s review material, but he’ll probably save his ticket money in light of Darylfonsky’s intriguing statements to the press...  and maybe a little extra for this.

The next post will concern Obama’s importance as a Kenyan-Hawaiian-American father figure for the young men of this nation and his dismal failure therein.  I.e., it’s an invective.