Scientific Report: Amy Schumer Is Intolerably Acomical

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Misogyny and haterism expressed by the author were not expressed by the author but by Beatissima students and faculty alone and were merely quoted by the author.  In any case, they do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author, but let’s not be stupid.

The rumors have floated around for months, fueled in large part by a concurrent blitz of news media attention and love.  Now science has proven what every critically thinking individual already knew as fact: the only thing that’s funny about actress Amy Schumer is that anybody actually thinks she’s funny.

Student researchers and professors in Beatissima University’s esteemed Creative Writing program analyzed Schumer’s work through numerous historical, literary, and cross-cultural lenses, using data obtained from her Comedy Central skits, Twitter profile, and appearances on other marginally less unfunny persons’ talk shows.  All the evidence gathered corroborates a controversial thesis, which is that Schumer and feminist comedians in general are incapable of telling objectively funny jokes.

The abstract of the scathing, 20-page rebuttal reads:

“When she isn’t complaining about simple facts of human nature (such as men desiring attractive women over unattractive ones, all other things being equal), Schumer’s attempts at comedy take aim at and mercilessly eviscerate ‘standards of beauty’, male superiority, justification of rape, smile-shaming, and other cultural attitudes that don’t exist in the real world.  By making up such ludicrous, indefensible conceits and falsely presenting them as the mainstream or the norm, Schumer tactically beguiles gullible and comedically ignorant social-justice-warriors (SJWs) into perceiving her as a rebel against a backwards status quo – an important and enlightened messenger with a wit as sharp as her compassion is Progressive.

In reality, Amy Schumer is the fetal, swearing embodiment of every logically baseless internet cliché ever not aborted, and her habit of rehashing feminist talking points to appear socially conscious pointedly demonstrates how little she understands the function of good comedy, as comedy has nothing to do with being socially conscious or important. When Seinfeld consistently delivered laughs across a span of almost 10 years, it proved that social activism is, if not detrimental, completely tangential to true comedy.  Our algorithms yield that a show about nothing is, on average, 9.8 times more funny than Schumer’s shows, which she sincerely believes have to always be about something.”

Professor Thomas Peynton, who teaches No-BS English 101, pens: “I wouldn’t classify Amy Schumer’s brand as humorless per se, a la Magnolia, any Lars Von Trier film, Naked & Afraid, or House Hunters. Amy Schumer clearly thinks of herself as a funny person and prides herself accordingly.  Like most people, she has at least a rudimentary understanding of what humor is, even if she doesn’t know how real humor manifests itself.  The problem with Schumer is that she’s just so intolerably acomical.”

Senior Lacey Connor laid it out more bluntly. “Amy Schumer is doing to comedy what superheroes are doing to cinema.  She’s gonna wreck it.”

Another long forgotten picture of a prominent media darling.

The Beatissima brief ranks Schumer just above Lena Dunham and just below Sarah Silverman on the scale of funniness.  All fall well behind famous females like Lucille Ball, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ann Coulter, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Anna Kendrick, “for obvious reasons”.  Anticipating accusations of sexism and patriarchy, the group strongly rebutted the myth that women are never funny and merely feign funniness as a natural form of sexual flirtation.  “To be clear, there is no empirical basis for the misconception that women are biologically numb to humor.  Mean Girls and Juno and Harry Potter were written by women, as was Fifty Shades of Grey… A lot of other stuff was written by women too.”

How did Schumer get to be so assertively unfunny?  On this the researchers are divided and continue to test their own theories, but one common explanation called the Vicious Cycle Theorem attributes it to the comedian’s systemically escalating unattractiveness to men.

“Much of Schumer’s humor is predicated on perceived injustices committed against her by shallow, despicable men who don’t appreciate her as the successful woman she is.  These bitter attacks against the opposite sex only serve to further alienate potential mates, who now perceive her as bitchy and cold as well as plain.  As Schumer produces comedy and receives ever more recognition from the mainstream media, she comes to look more and more unmarriageable to males, which makes her feel more and more rejected and/or oppressed, which makes her produce ever more unrelatable, inaccurate, and unfunny sketches, all of which reinforce the not unfounded conspiracy that feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women equal access to the mainstream of society.”

Though Schumer skeptics are no doubt encouraged by the findings, the Beatissima report is unlikely to make much of a dent on her public image, originating as it did from Beatissima and written in dense, technical language that will likely confuse anyone who would gravitate to her unique sense of humor. Award-winning journalist Katie Couric of Yahoo! News has already inducted Schumer to her People To Watch list of 2015, an honorable position formerly held by Macaulay Culkin, Lindsey Vonn, Lupita Nyong’o, Lorde, and Kacy Catanzaro.  Still, at least one Beatissima student, @jennabeasic, linked to the study in a tweet.  “@amyschumer is overated af, stupid media baby. good thing i can always watch #parksandrec on #netflix and #bieberroast, HILARIOUS, #REALCOMEDY.”

Schumer leads an ensemble of comedic geniuses and SNL actors in Judd Apatow’s latest pet project Trainwreck, a dramedy about a sexually confident woman with realistic body proportions who avoids the perils of monogamous relationships until she falls in love in a white male heterosexual.  Trainwreck took off last night with a 93% Rotten Tomatoes score and some word of mouth and is playing in most theaters. You can also watch the Ant-man.

It is pretty unbelievable.

Still funnier than anything by Amy Schumer