Marketing the 100-Something Movies List

Back in late November of the last year people could still say, “It’s 2015,” to justify their politics, The Author’s Files decided to run a narrowly segmented print advertising campaign targeting students of Beatissima who were preparing to turn in for the long winter and watch a lot of subpar television on their iPhones.  The fliers were to be posted on the so-called “Freedom Wall” outside the cafeteria in such quantities and visual variations as were absolutely necessary to catch the attention of an extremely inattentive demographic.  It didn’t work, but we put too much effort into the project to let the posters just disappear after the run.  Maybe they’ll find a more understanding, cynical audience right here.  If there doesn’t seem to be any binding logic or textual theme behind any of these, that was the idea, because Beatissima as an institution doesn’t think in logic or in text.

This Video of People Biking In Downtown L.A. Has the Whole Internet Talking

Back in October, The Author was preparing for another arduous weekend of memorizing some Middle-English poetry or writing a character sketch or watching Terminator: Genisys or some cal like that, when his friend and fellow Beatissima student coaxed him into going on a bike ride (confusingly tokened "CicLAvia") through the third most socialist city on the west coast.  Nothing can prepare you for what they ran into on the way!



The Author would like to note that the shaky, sometimes nauseating camera movements are not a consequence of lacking experience or proper stabilizing gear but a deliberate artistic choice, as he is practicing to be the D.P. for the next teenage, coming-of-age, dystopian, love triangle trilogy based on an e-book he doesn’t yet know exists.

Spot the Error: Yahoo! Wheel Edition

Can you pinpoint all fifteen objective errors in these screenshots?  An answer key will be uploaded next week.

Hint: the middle article is about Scientology.

Answer Key
1. There's no such thing as a presidential phone call.  Phone calls are quite simply unelectable.

2. There's no such thing as an epic chat that involves Obama.

3. Making a phone call is the exact opposite of "reaching out to touch someone".

4. Lost ended four years ago.  Move onto something else already.

5. Scientology isn't a real religion.

6. Lamborghinis are machines, not living organisms.

7. There's no such thing as a fake-no-makeup look. There are only madeup and non-madeup looks.
8. Why would you even encourage female readers to waste time and money on "cheating" with a fake no-makeup look when they could use a much superior, real no-makeup look for free?

9. "Seemingly natural glows": what the heck does that even mean?

10. One of those photos has Miley Cyrus in it, the other has Lupita Nyongo, and neither has Lindsey Stirling.  Aaaaaaaa.

11. "We won't tell if you won't tell"… but you are telling me.

12. There is no "budget debate" currently ongoing.  Congress narrowly decided not to have a budget debate when it hiked the debt ceiling last February.
13. House Democrats don't have any food for thought.

14. This particular House Democrat wasn't even making a point on inflation.  To him, rapid inflation IS the whole point of effective government and a failure to increase spending at proportionally rapid rates is a failure by Congress to fulfill its most basic obligation to fiscally subjugate the country to the whims of foreign lenders.

15. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. isn't trending anywhere.  At all.

On First Looking Into American Free Verse

A poet is a very Spoiled creature:

Proper punctuation — is regarded −

of secondary import − to the rest —

Consistent Meter — need not be followed — because he's an Elitist

Nor do all lines —

Have to be the same length — or follow a considered Design —

But Repetition is artistic — because you're an Elitist

Inserting syllables has been allow'ed — and —

omitting them — that made no sense but Clarity and Reason

do not matter - 'cause I'm an Elitist

See that shift from 3rd to the 1st person?

Was that not profound and 'genius?

A symbol of change in poetic theme —

And the author's expanding egotism — that's really important, BTW.

A Bird just sung outside my writing office —

Why should you care? Because it is a Picture —

Of my internal Conscience and its wanderings —

I'll write whatever crosses upon my mind — 'cause I am an

Obsessive

Indulgent

Narcissistic Elitist

I am like some irrational thing from Nature that −

regardless of its animality — exhibits human traits —

And reminds me of myself —

Nature is my second Half −- without which I am nothing — because I'm a

Romantic

Tree-hugging

Air-headed Elitist

A Few More Random Thoughts

* Does this not look mouth-wateringly delicious?

* Finally, a headline in the newspaper with which I can agree.  Or maybe not...

* The sight of Jennifer Lawrence’s ‘pixie cut’ is going to haunt me until the end of my days, and that’s only a slight exaggeration.  Whoever wielded those scissors should be prosecuted for being fashionably illiterate and creating a public disturbance.  This girl is not on fire.  Change her back!

Now, if you will kindly excuse me while I retreat to my chamber and wallow in grief and horror at what I have witnessed.

Pithy, Random Thoughts

* A fashion reflection on prom/homecoming from a male who has little sense of what's fashionable and will never go to prom/homecoming:

* Objective, Method, Data, Analysis/Conclusion – Few would bother to question so standard a structure, but bringing a predetermined ‘objective’ into any kind of experiment is the root of all politicized science.

* If Carrie’s mom is a “religious zealot”/fundamentalist, and a fundamentalist is one who accepts the fundamentals of something, and that particular something happens to be the Holy Bible, and the Holy Bible teaches as a fundamental that we must be fruitful and multiply, and that to be fruitful and multiply we must of biological necessity have sex, and Carrie’s mom believes that God forbids sex in any circumstance, thus vowing human extinction despite numerous instances in both the New and Old Testament where God intervenes to save his people from annihilation by the earth or their own hands, and the extremism of that supposedly Christian but avowedly heretical belief is the entire basis for the stupid story, then the obvious conclusion is… what kind of dope was Stephen King smoking and how does anybody take him seriously?

* Moreover, how does anybody take a guy seriously who chooses to publish a direct sequel to a book he wrote more than 30 years ago which got an acclaimed movie adaptation at the time and didn’t need a follow-up?

* On twerking at school dances: isn’t the whole idea of a high-school dance to demonstrate, by a kind of rite of passage, that you’re dignified, mature, and respectful enough of the opposite sex to enter the world of adults?  But then I’m just a homeschooled introvert speaking here, so what do I know?

“They should let the kids do whatever they want”, even if it entirely defeats the purpose of the event.

* Scratch that last comment.  Having just watched Grease for the first time, I can say with certainty that high-school dances, both formal and informal, have nothing whatsoever to do with maturity, dignity, or respect, at least in so far as I’m deriving my worldviews from fictional movies that glorify drunkenness and debauchery.

* I hate generic, nonpartisan internet comments.  “I want the same health care Congress is getting.”  “People, we need to stand up and send our elected representatives a message: that they cannot take whatever they want, that we will vote every incumbent out next midterm because this, this is our land!”  “I’m a fill in my personal background who went to my doctor/got a pay cut last week/tried to apply for blah blah blah, and this economy is killing ME.  I really hope that Congress takes my totally irrelevant anecdote into consideration and makes the tough choices to help me and my family.”  “Where are the JOBS???”

* On “bullying” between footballers in the locker room: How do two grown men and professional tacklers go about “bullying” each other anyway?

* Earth to A&E: everyone liked the Robertson clan well enough before they all got Twitter accounts that pop up invasively during the program and started turning into a bunch of yuppies who play on gadgets or do yuppie things around town.  Let the rednecks be rednecks; break out the shotguns, frog chest, and fishing nets again.  And put away the wives’ makeup already; they don’t need it.

* All these football players donning pink accessories to “raise awareness” for some human ailment look like idiots.  How about you privately put aside a large cut of your $1M paycheck to research breast cancer instead of flaunting how compassionate and concerned you are for sports spectators who couldn’t care less.

* Before we fire literally everybody currently in Congress regardless of the politician’s voting records, respect or loathing for the Founding, and other merits or lack thereof, let’s fire literally everybody in the Vikings and the Giants.

* Just when I thought Once Upon A Time couldn’t get any more insulting to my intelligence, Mulan decides out of the blue that she’s really a Merry Man inside and gets a crush on Sleeping Beauty.  Thanks a lot, ABC, for your commitment to romantically depicting sexually deviant behavior even if it doesn’t enhance the plot or logically follow from the characters’ past decisions.  Why don’t you add a character dying from AIDS to the story while you’re at it, or have a bear eat Goldilocks after she gets busy with it, or make Prince Charming a polygamist.  Oh, wait, he already is.  This deserves a Hagaaaaay.

* Correction: My mom suggests the reason why Mulan reacts so miserably to the news of Sleeping Beauty’s pregnancy is because she’s secretly in love with her friend’s prince/husband/boyfriend/partner.  This explanation of the scene is far more probable and logical given previous episodes, but the acting and directing are both so bad that the resulting product looks like a botched coming-out scene.  “There’s something I need to tell you…”

* 5 episodes in, Marvel’s Agents of Shield is still one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen, so stupid that it might warrant a full review in the future, once I review the beloved animated fantasy Avatar, of course.

* I really haven’t been watching that much TV, contrary to what this post might suggest.

* I spend most of my free time playing video games instead.  Ba Dum Ching.

* Starbucks is urging “Congress”, and we all know whom that indicates, to “come together” and work out their issues to pass responsible reforms to the broken and ineffectual establishment they run.  You first, Howard Schultz.  Rest assured that my military-style assault weapons aren’t coming anywhere near your business until you stop running your mouth on matters your weak mind can’t comprehend.

* Moby-Dick – sucking up countless hours of students’ lives since Melville made a last-minute decision to put a 1st-person narrator and 10-page plot into the Encyclopedia Britannica of Cetology and Whaling.

* Even though virtually nothing happens until its 135th chapter, Moby Dick still beats the crap out of Starbucks.

* See what I did there?

Socialist USA Today – Snapshot Review

Here are several snippets from recent issues of America's most widely read and therefore most intelligent newspaper, which conquered the hotel before pioneering a revolutionary and democratic approach to sports and sometimes sociopolitical commentary that welcomed voices from the greatest intellectuals on Twitter and Facebook.  USA Today specializes in

elongating 2-sentence stories that nobody cares about to 12-paragraph articles, often urging the reader to be green and save the planet, that take up half a page,

racebaiting (they're still playing the White Hispanic guilt card),

providing useless and incomprehensible information in little sidebars that outline the results of ambiguous surveys of generally 1000 Americans out of 300 million, whose identities are often hard to ascertain: e.g., how many of these "846 teens age 17-18" are actually college students?

and giving the rundown on boring and trivial crime, sports, charities, recycling, sports, and crime local to various towns across Obama's 57 states.  Does anyone actually read this page?

Now I'll just make like Nicholas Fehn and give my "skewed view" on the paper's major stories.

Nonsensical, Hollywood metaphors...

How about "not turning kidnappers into celebrities and diverting the attention of low-information Americans from issues of real, national importance"?


How in the world did Lara Croft get her face on an article about gene patents and homosexual marriage?  Make that two articles.

Is she talking about food, sex, or a book?

Here we're supposed to gush and swoon at the sight of the first lady and a U.S. Senator mingling with a philandering party animal, but he's a Prince!! so it doesn't matter.

This is a crime against puns.

When did voluntarily "resigning" turn into "getting sacked"?

Almost half of USAT's readers think USAT botched its reporting on the Gosnell infanticide trial.

USAT Facebook reader consensus: Murder is wrong because it's illegal, not illegal because it's wrong.  Oh, and it was unsanitary.  Pools of blood everywhere, body parts stored in jars - if you're going to kill a human being, don't make a mess out of it.  Gore is for R-rated movies and shooter games, not abortion-related news stories.

Gosnell's worst crime by far: having the carelessness to slaughter infants and violate women's wombs in a dirty, unattractive environment.  Had he only hired more experienced people to perform "medical procedures" like sticking their fingers in the woman's uterus and killing whoever's in there, this scandal would never have come to fruition.

My father says I can eat anywhere I want...

There's a lotta things about their menu you wouldn't understand.  Things you couldn't understand.  Things you shouldn't understand.

Date taken: September 23rd, 2012

Keeping with the times.

In case you'd forgotten her.

One can't give CNN all the blame for the headline.  After all, it's the Democrats who invited a sex-addicted college student with no political experience, qualifications, or title other than "slut" to represent them on national television.

Next up, "THE WOMAN WHO STARRED IN THE AVENGERS".

The Stuff That Public Schoolers Do

(Not to throw all public schools into one pot or anything) When they aren't being instructed to love FDR, dread global warming (climate change, sorry), or follow the doctrine of peace, tolerance, and coexistence, they...

hold free hoodie days to mark the end of the school year.  I would say it's a political statement if I didn't know that it's an annual tradition.  Mark your calendars for next year's event.

May the Fourth be with you – Star Wars Miniland

May the force be with you, and happy Star Wars day!  To celebrate the greatest science-fiction series of all time, I want to share with you the wonders of Star Wars Miniland, to take you to a galaxy far, far away... no Legoland ticket required.

Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

Listen closely and you can hear the Naboo starfighter blasting the droidekas the phone camera doesn't illuminate.  Please ignore shaky camera.

"There's always a bigger fish."

"Jar Jar, use a booma!"  "Mesa no have a booma!"

Trivia: the MTT extends and withdraws the droid rack.

Again, forgive my shaky camera.

And... there are no podracers.  Poodoo!

Episode 2 - Attack of the Clones

Here we have the battle of Geonosis, the only scene worth watching in the movie (and it lasts about two minutes).

I estimate they only have a few thousand more pieces than the sets Lego actually sells.

Hey, it's John Carter!!

The Clone Wars

This is the part where Snips gets some "experience".  I shudder at the memory of this movie.  Ziro, sadly, is nowhere to be seen.  "I just LOVE that little huttlet!"

Episode 3 - Revenge of the Sith

Possibly my favorite exhibit of the bunch... you can't see him in this photo, but Yoda's watching from that tower.

The turbo tank turret spins and fires, although the video doesn't show it.

"You're breaking my heart!"

The epic, animatronic duel.

Episode 4 - A New Hope (or just Star Wars, if you grew up in the 80s)

"You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Giants tower over the Millenium Falcon.  That's not from the movie.

Episode 5 - The Empire Strikes Back

Classic.

Episode 6 - Return of the Jedi

Han and Leia are getting comfortable in the bunker entrance.

There is, of course, more to see: the ewok village in the trees, the wampa cave, and the pivotal duel with Darth Maul, along with several other details.  Unfortunately, to see the rest you'll have to buy a $72 ticket, which I do not recommend unless you are younger than the age of 13.  Legoland has two good rides, bad animatronics, expensive food, and no real discount on the sets to compensate for your ticket price.  Oh, and most people who visit Legoland are really bad at walking, so traversing the park is a rather slow process.  This is not the theme park you're looking for.