Thursday, September 12, 2019

5000 Beers On Elizabeth Warren After Tulsi Gabbard Debate Disqualification

The new person to beat in the Democratic primary said “Mahalo” to her ohana shortly after hearing about whom she would and wouldn’t be facing on live TV.

Article written by George Stefano Pallas. Fauxcoholism, Steve Buscemi-ing, and Operation Chaos practiced by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

Just days before the third 2020 Democratic presidential debate, Senator Elizabeth Warren gave a rousing speech in the afternoon happy hour to a crowd that needed no bribery, and yet they got some anyway. Warren’s formidable campaign rallies, predicated on the all-American, blue-collar values of taxing the 1% and defending workers’ rights to pay union dues, have blazed up a testament to the power of grass roots organization, but her campaign team encouraged attendees to get even more lit than the norm when they delivered enough alcohol to feed 5000 Massachusetts supporters.

“As you know, a lot of good people dropped out of the race before this third debate,” the leading candidate and multi-millionaire addressed the crowd. “Some more people didn’t even make the cut for the stage. And it’s for that reason I wanted to make a toast to all of you. Because this is the most important election in American history, and you’ve believed in me despite so many potential efforts to the contrary.”

Warren then raised a glass of Longboard Island Lager, took a swig, and released a hearty, exotic whoop to thunderous applause. Adults on the premises who looked old enough to drink were allowed and encouraged to pour a biodegradable red cup from one of the 50 kegs Warren’s staff delivered to the rally. Besides the Hawaii-brewed lager, the makeshift bar also offered Big Wave Golden Ale, Hanalei IPA, Fire Rock Pale Ale, and Leinenkugel Oktoberfest.

When asked why her event organizers made the beer free to all without checking I.D., Warren responded by vowing that she would always fight for Americans’ fundamental human rights. “Because sharing a beer with friends and celebrating life shouldn’t be harder to do than buying an assault weapon and ending it,” she said, according to what Files correspondent Albert Cahill could recall from his investigative research at the venue.

Awestruck fans on Twitter shared pictures showing beer lines stretching outside the building, past the armed security, and onto the sidewalk. Charles Olde, a senior strategic development associate at Westmont Alliance for Solutions and Priorities, noted the high opportunity cost of waiting in line and admitted he’s “more of an East Coast-style drinker.” Nonetheless, he praised Warren’s generosity and sympathy to the working class’s needs.

“Hey, it’s free beer,” he shrugged, toting his own Hydroflask that he brought to the occasion. “Could I walk across the street to Buffalo, shell out $7 for a more hoppy pint, and have an extra hour to do something? I don’t know. Not in this economy.”

The final slate of candidates to qualify for the third 2020 Democratic presidential debate was confirmed a week ago by the Democratic National Committee. Notably absent from the third debate is Hawaii Representative Tulsi Gabbard, who is still campaigning regardless and who became the center of a conspiracy by alt-right, incel, Russian 4chan trolls to skew various online polls in her favor.

Gabbard drew headlines following the second debate on account of her mounting an unexpected blindside on the criminal justice record of Kamala Harris, the California senator and former cop who decided to run for president after two years of legislative service. Harris seemed surprised to hear criticism coming from the mouth of a competitor for the same position, and rebutted the attack on her the next day by saying, “I’m obviously a top-tier candidate, and so I did expect… hits tonight… especially when people are at 0 or 1% or whatever she might be at.”

Political commentators have taken the fact that Gabbard didn’t even meet the DNC’s criteria for the third debate as conclusive proof that her 60-second volley against Harris was a misfire. In the wake of the second debate, a poll of Democratic voters showed that Harris still commanded an enviable 7% support among all voters and 1% support among black voters, enough to put her in 4th place of a crowded and incredibly competitive race.

On the evening of Warren’s beverage-supplemented rally, Fox News host Tucker Carlson floated a theory that the specific variety of beers on tap at the event sent a clear, subversive message. “I’m sure that Warren picked Kona Brewing Company to sate the masses just because she prefers the taste of Hawaiian craft beer, not to signal some victory to her coalition,” he drawled. “About as sure as I am that Anheuser-Busch is going to be stumping for Trump in 2020.” Far from an impartial journalist, Carlson has broken from Fox’s past tradition by inviting a liberal, Gabbard, on his show and calling her someone “the neocons hate more than anybody.”

Warren dismissed this “ludicrous” claim, claiming that the brew was coincidental and entirely unrelated to the exclusion of someone who might critique her policies. “These are Republican talking points,” she explained on MSNBC’s The Morning Joe, adding, “Which we’ve already heard far too much of at the last two debates alone. It doesn’t surprise me that a guy who has a notoriously fragile relationship with the truth would want to see even more GOP talking points at future debates for the person who’s going to beat Donald Trump.”

The third debate sanctioned by the DNC will air at 8 PM ET Thursday on ABC and Univision. The political stars set to attend the debate include several venerable members of the Democratic old guard, such as Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, but in a race that could still be anyone’s game, the Jim Crow-era Democratic leaders would be foolish to dismiss the other attendees. Washington insiders in contact with the Files are very concerned about Texas almost-Senator Beto O’Rourke, whose propensity for saying, “F**k!” on the campaign trail has won him major support from 4% of voters.

Fence sitters should also keep an eye on former Mayor Julian Castro, who memorably set himself apart at the last two debates by calling for increased abortion funding and rebuking Trump for putting immigrant children in cages—two issues that other Democrats have critically ignored or shrugged off. Andrew Yang, who has pitched himself as “the opposite of Donald Trump: an Asian man who likes math,” could also sneak through the back door and surprise the competition in a big way.

Right before Warren backed out of their brief conversation, our correspondent believes that she clinked cups with him and said, “I’m gonna get me… another round. Enjoy your beer.” Unfortunately, in a state of incapacitation, the cameraman failed to record Cahill’s interaction, so we were unable to confirm the veracity of Warren making such a comment.

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