Monday, September 2, 2013

The New Newspeak

To celebrate Karl Marx’s favorite national holiday, so conceived as Labor Day and dedicated to honoring those morally upright members of the proletariat who whine, lobby, and sue for the privilege to do as little labor for as much money as possible, we at the editorial board of The Author’s Files have undertaken the ambitious endeavor of compiling an exhaustive list of all the most popular English terms and phrases that people once respected and reserved only for use within a proper, grammatically intelligible context but now carelessly bandy about without any respect to the words’ objective meanings wherever using such phrases might make themselves feel better about holding logically suspect and irrational worldviews.  In short, if you insist on frequently and all-inclusively regurgitating any one of these words, we do not think it means what you think it means.  Following in the footsteps of Greece’s most eminent philosopher Socrates, who exhorted his fellows to articulate exactly what they mean by lofty ideas such as justice, piety, and happiness, we implore our readers to speak with awareness and discretion, to fully understand just what they’re implying when they talk about:

Labor – A fitting place from which to launch this list, labor is properly defined as the exercise of one’s physical and mental talents to complete work, i.e. to produce services or items that others will consume.   As (mis)understood in the modern American dialect, the laborer or 'worker' is one who either does no work, receiving his income from the government, or fulfills a certain position that doesn’t demand advanced skills and that those who would buy his vote arbitrarily designate as ‘good work’, as opposed to the ‘bad work’ executed by evil businessmen and ‘corporations’, who don’t do any real work and exist only to prey on the worker by denying him a ‘living wage’.

Living Wage – Living wage is a compound term, being composed of the adjective ‘living’ and the noun ‘wage’.  A living wage is a wage that’s sufficient for one to live.  To live is to survive, to exist in the absence of death; hence, a living wage is one sufficient for the man who receives it to survive, to provide any necessities nature imposes on his continued existence.  Contrary to public opinion, a living wage, grammatically interpreted, is not necessarily sufficient for the wage-earner to thrive, to command all manners of luxuries including iPhones, HDTVs, extravagant housing, and electric sports vehicles which are complementary but not essential to his survival.  Yet this ‘thriving wage’ is just what union bosses and social engineers in the political class infer when they demand that employers pay their ‘workers’ a living wage.

Themiddleclass – From a historical standpoint, the so-called middle class has often been regarded as the wealthiest segment of society, while if one looks purely at the grammatical composition of the phrase, it would seem to indicate that set of citizens whose accumulated wealth ranks roughly between that of the very poor man and the very prosperous one.  Modern politicians from the right and left alike eschew both these legitimate conceptions of the word, opting instead to define themiddleclass simply as whichever branch of the electorate is most ‘suffering’, needy of government relief, and likely to make a sizable impact on the election results.  Leaning on nebulous words like themiddleclass poses distinct advantages to the politiclass in the 21st century, viz. a huge license for audience adaptation, the ability to pander to countless victim groups, and total immunity against any criticism over factually incorrect and utterly preposterous statements.  After all, if welfare sponges, hard-working capitalists, single-parent households, two-parent households, part-time workers, full-time workers, etc. all comprise the same middleclass, then ruling incumbents can make virtually any comment on the economic condition of said middleclass and deflect all objections with ease.

Democracy – What America isn’t, but we’ll forgive you if you’ve been deluded like America’s elected officials into confusing a constitutional republic based on the rule of law with a people’s republic based on majority tyranny.  What difference, at this point, does it make!

Right – Stems from God, rather than from society.  A right is something conferred on a man by virtue of his being human; that which all men possess in their natural state is justly called a right.  No man posessess a home by nature, nor does any possess food, job training, a decent paycheck, recreation, a marriage certificate, or access to abortion.  Still, all these things are commonly invoked as inviolable ‘civil rights’ in the modern day, to such a point of absurdity that the word has been marginalized to signify nothing more than “what pleases me”.

Right to choose – Literally, the right to make a decision concerning one’s own destiny and… what the hell – let’s just dispense with any pretense that this phrase has objective, definite meaning and dissect the modern interpretation of these words.  The right to choose, broadly speaking, is the right to desire a certain course of action and to commit said action in the appeasement of one’s desire.  In other words, this human construct of an entitlement is not only a right to choose something but a right to that something itself.  The right to choose, however, is a limited right, granted in some cases and denied in others.  For example, the proponents of this alleged ‘right’ would never argue that it protects the ability of bandits to choose to rob a bank, nor, in most cases, would they extend this right to the parental choice of where and how they educate their children – hence the mandatory contribution that all taxpayers must make to state-run indoctrination centers, resounding opposition by overpaid unionists to charter schools or vouchers, judicial degradation and perversion of government school curricula, federally sanctioned racial discrimination in higher education, and the unfortunately prevalent mindset of Nazism sponsored by MSNBC, which holds that “kids belong to whole communities” instead of their parents.  Besides the outstanding example of education, one can point to a bevy of instances where the rightochoose is either gravely marginalized or altogether dismissed, from the individual insurance mandate of Obama- and Romney-care and the payroll tax to the minimum wage, recalls on allegedly hazardous or defective products, bans on plastic bags and/or light bulbs, and millions of other, mostly irrational restraints on the freedom of businesses and individuals to make their own choices.  Ergo, this imagined righttochoose is fundamentally estranged from every other right enumerated in the Constitution in that it is not an absolute, bestowed on man by his Creator and evident in his nature, but a conditional privilege that the ruling class can allot and revoke at its leisure, depending either on its religious beliefs regarding the ‘choice’ in consideration or on the expediency of the choice as reflected in its net benefit or cost to social institutions.  The right to choose is roughly equivalent to ancient Athens’ right to free speech: you could do it so long as you weren’t corrupting the youth or antagonizing the democratic mob.

Assault weapon – A destructive and morally irreconcilable weapon built for the sole purpose of assaulting someone or something, as contrasted with a non-assault ‘weapon’ that’s designed for sowing peace, fostering physical healing, and enabling constructive, nonviolent reforms to a growing social order.  The Democrat Party reserves the exclusive power to define what distinguishes an assault from a non-assault weapon, but until Congress relents and agrees to pass comprehensive gun safety laws removing weapons of war from America’s streets, the friendly firearms expert at Bass Pro Shops will continue to show consumers a massive stock of assault weapons, from the most diminutive handgun to the most powerful rifle.

Military-style-weapons-of-war – Properly interpreted, weapons that are manufactured and sold solely for use by contemporary militaries on a battlefield, most often assuming the form of automatic rifles, armored vehicles, and other things that civilians literally cannot obtain outside of a black market, if at all.  Legitimate militaries in the 21st century don’t use AR-15s, nor do they use slingshots and blowguns.  To the average, low-information American, however, a military-style weapon of war is simply a weapon that’s used to inflict physical harm on somebody, and thus it is indistinguishable from every real ‘weapon’ in existence except in its unique quality of visual scariness, so recognized by the party of reason and science that pompously derides skeptics of evolution and man-made global warming as the “Flat Earth society”.

Congress – The legislative branch of the United States, consisting of two departments, namely the Senate and the House of Representatives, that used to be distinct entities elected through separate means but are more or less identical in the present day.  In the 21st century, politicians and commentators frequently employ ‘Congress’ as a synonymous term for the House of Representatives, or the GOP generally, in order to sound objective and nonpartisan while in reality they’re doing nothing more than parroting their party’s talking points.

HateCrime – Literally, the crime of hating some person, practice, institution, etc., comparable in severity to ThoughtCrime and PreCrime.  The invocation of terms like HateCrime presupposes a judicial system based, not on the judgment and punishment of particular deeds according to a fair and constant code of laws, but on circumstantial evaluations and verdicts which fluctuate from case to case, taking into account a wide range of irrelevant factors such as the criminal’s physical appearance, economic background, motive, and personal character, rather than focusing on the one question that truly matters: guilty, or not guilty?  Tragically, the presupposition that America has a deliberative court system is mostly correct.  For a more detailed analysis of HateCrime, we invite our readers to look at Chapter 18 of Rush Limbaugh’s See, I Told You So, entitled “Political Correctness and the Coming of the Thought-Police”.  Or just read the whole thing.

Homophobia – The irrational fear of enduring physical harm at the hands of homosexuality and its practitioners, comparable to arachnophobia, aquaphobia, and altaphobia. See also adulteryphobia, blasphemyphobia, murderphobia, dishonestyphobia, and robberyphobia.

Diversity – A state of collective identity distinguished by a wide multiplicity and variety of character, philosophy, habits, occupations, and other factors pertaining to the different traits of the group’s individual members.  As interpreted in the modern day, a condition of total racial equilibrium in the body of any establishment, usually a business or college.  External physical appearance and skin color are the chief and possibly the only criteria by which “diversity out-reach coordinators” like Michelle Obama measure the diversity of a given institution, which is why we have affirmative action for black students but not for conservative college professors.

African-American Grammatically defined either as an immigrant to America from Africa, an immigrant to Africa from America, or a dual citizen of America and some country in Africa.  Also denotes a dark-skinned person who has no African heritage whatsoever and has probably never visited the continent whom the politically correct news media nevertheless insists on identifying as an oppressed victim class based on the sufferings of other dark-skinned people who were kidnapped from their home countries and enslaved by Caucasians more than two hundred years ago.  African-American, therefore, has developed a largely metaphorical dimension that allows racebaiters such as Representative Sheila Jackson Lee to assert with a straight face that they “stand here as freed slaves”.  Obama is the First-African-American-President only in that he was born in Kenya and subsequently brought to the United States or in that his great-great-great ancestors, whose history we do not know, were theoretically bound to some Southern farmer a century before he was born.

Wall Street – Literally, a real, geographical street in Manhattan which is home to the New York Stock Exchange.  Figuratively, banks and rich people.

Lobbyist – An offensive term referring to anyone who advocates a particular political cause that the speaker finds objectionable, as in the gun lobby, the corporate lobby, and the Jewish lobby.  In other words, anyone who’s even partially immersed in politics is a constituent of one or another lobby depending on whose opinion you ask.  Can we hear a Non-Unique? 

Tea Party – A historical protest raised against the oppressive and unlawful taxation by King George the Third in which Massachusetts revolutionaries boarded a British vessel and threw all the tea stored there overboard.  Now, any member of the Republican Party who dares to separate himself ideologically from state-propagated, Democrat dogma and stand for free markets and fiscal conservancy through massive cuts to unsustainable spending measures.  This “Tea Party” is not a real political party, nor is it a party in the rowdy, tear-down-the-house sense, nor is it even a party of like-minded individuals who think the government needs to replace its socialistic, punitive tax code with a moral and just system for collecting revenue which respects mankind’s equal and natural rights and which shows no special favoritism.  This imaginary Tea Party, with which media commentators associate both hard-core constitutionalists like Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and wishy-washy moderates like Paul Ryan and Marco Rubio, is nothing but a kindergarten-level insult that anti-conservative writers use to smear their opponents as extremists from the “far right”. 

Far-right/hardliner – Veering to the side of the political spectrum favoring maximum liberty and constitutional government.  Severely conservative, if a conservative can be “severely” anything. 

In the shadows – Occupying a dark and shrouded region of space; unclear, hard to discern, obscure, strange.  A special, not that logical application: when used with ‘living’ or ‘being’, refers to non-citizens or aliens being denied certain privileges reserved for law-abiding U.S. citizens because they are neither law-abiding nor U.S. citizens.  For example, “No longer are undocumented people in the shadows.  They are alive and well and respected in the state of California.” ~ Jerry Brown, on passing historical “civil rights” legislation that allows illegal aliens to get driver licenses.  Said people living in the shadows are extremely introverted, light-sensitive, and reluctant to enter the public spotlight (except for the select few, usually young, college-bound morons, who delight in boasting about their lawlessness and demanding full pardon and even reward for their crimes), and so they resign themselves to inhabiting alleyways, tree-dotted parks, and other shadowy refuges.  We don’t get what ‘the shadows’ are either, but with the NSA peering down our shoulders at everything we say, send, or type – including this – we sure wish we could go there. 

Undocumented worker – A person who works without a (work) document, whatever that is.  Also denotes a person who doesn’t do any work, sucks up state welfare handouts, and also happens to be lacking a document certifying his legal presence in a nation whose citizens are forced by law to feed him without the slightest return for their labor. 

Native-American – Someone native to America by birth, not by his no-good, dirty, rotten, land-stealing great, great grandfather’s birth.  I.e., a person born in America is, by definition, a native-American, not a native-European.  PC usage: the term refers exclusively to the descendants of Indian tribes whose members were poisoned, pillaged, raped, and murdered by evil white men 400 years ago and coercively displaced by Andrew Jackson in the 19th century, although we’re not supposed to remember that latter travesty. 

Needy – 1. Depending upon the possession or consumption of a particular commodity to attain a certain end, generally one’s continuous existence.  E.g., all human beings are needy of food to survive, but some are needy of greater quantities than others; this film is needy of a $100 million budget to get off the ground.  2. Lacking a certain substance or product of which one may or may not be truly needy. Food-stamp, SSI disability, and Obamaphone recipients have no greater need than their self-relying counterparts, but since their want often exceeds that of their neighbors, they are held to be more needy in the eyes of many a beholder. 

Holding someone hostage – Physically restraining an individual’s freedom, usually of movement, in order to extract some personal benefit in the form of a ‘ransom’; depriving a person of his natural liberty.  In a metaphorical sense, restoring a person’s freedom from governmental fetters in order to extract some largely theoretical political benefit in the form of an endorsement from Faux News, Rush Limbaugh, and Teabaggers; liberating a person from societal captivity. 

Faux News – A nonexistent cable news channel invented by unoriginal groupthinkers who watch Jon Stewart and MSNBC and can’t even come up with a mock title that rhymes with Fox News. 

Teabag, -bagger, -bagging – 1. Something we at the editorial board prudently elect not to describe in its literal sense.  2. A popular victory dance in 1st-person multiplayer shooters like Halo, humiliating to both victor and victim, that will only get more creepy and immature as Call of Duty: Ghosts leads the charge for sexually integrated armed forces in video games.  3. What some people think is a clever and original nickname for members of the ‘Tea Party’, which they also created.

Universal health care – The condition that treatment and care for one’s personal health is universally accessible to anyone who seeks it.  Universal health care and universal health insurance are fundamentally different ideas, as one can care for his own health even without health insurance and, indeed, for much less money.

Affordable – Able to be afforded based on one’s personal income; that which is affordable for one man may be patently unaffordable for another.  As opposed to expensive, which is the state of something costing more than it is worth (Apple computers/phone plans, new video games and consoles), or cheap, costing less than it is worth (used video games and consoles).  When gauging whether a certain service or product given by the private sector is affordable, politicians compare the cost of that item to the lowest possible income in order to ‘prove’ that said item is nonviable and must be supplanted with a statist solution.

Affordable (health) care – Health care that is affordable. Not health insurance that is not affordable.

Comprehensive – By the dictionary, denoting a plan or thing that is well thought through, carefully examined, meticulously constructed, and thorough in its scope, as in comprehensive corrupt bureaucracy reform, comprehensive welfare state reform, or comprehensive bloated tax code reform.  In its contemporary sense, as explained by Mark Steyn, the word “is a euphemism for interminably long, poorly drafted, and entirely unread — not just by the people’s representatives but by our robed rulers, too”, as in comprehensive health care reform, comprehensive immigration reform, and comprehensive campaign finance reform.

Reproductive rights – Literally speaking, the natural right to reproduce as God intended without invasion or punishment by the law; said right has been threatened and often trampled by barbaric population control measures, such as the one-child and forced abortion policies in China, or by radical man-haters who think that human beings are an irreconcilable plague on the rest of the earth’s species and try to give their lives meaning by attacking imaginary crises like the Duggar family’s reckless fruitfulness and uninhibited expansion.  As opposed to unreproductive rights, which were conceived by brilliant human rights activists William Brennan and William Douglas and enshrine the civil liberty to have as much sex as you please and never bear a child, whether that be by birth control or abortion/infanticide.

Back-alley abortion – An abortion committed in a back-alley, which is a metaphorical construct for any dreary, uncleanly, dark, or otherwise fittingly hopeless place.  Back-alley abortions are generally regarded to be more dangerous and immoral than front-alley or hospital abortions because they leave a more gory mess, pose greater harm to the physical if not the spiritual health of the ‘mother’, and more obviously reflect just what the ‘abortion’ is really aborting.

Mother – A woman who has given birth to or raised children of her own.  Hence the bitter irony of a U.S. president openly celebrating contraceptives, or drugs that avert motherhood, and Planned Parenthood, which also averts motherhood, on Mother’s Day.

Planned Parenthood – 1. Parenthood, or the state of being a parent, that is planned for, i.e. anticipated and actively worked towards by the prospective parent.  2. A federally-sponsored organization that helps people plan not to be parents by administering ‘medical procedures’ that prevent parenthood by killing the child before it is born.

Medical procedure – A procedure executed in order to preserve or improve the physical health of a living being.  Antonym: Violence, a ‘procedure’ which is executed in order to weaken or sometimes outright annihilate the physical health of a living being.

Civil right/liberty – A legal privilege or entitlement that can be extended or revoked at the whim of the ruling class; a ‘freedom’ that is neither permanent nor, arguably, exists at all.

Haterism – The non-unique philosophical doctrine to which veritably all human souls subscribe of hating a particular person, policy, idea, or institution based on either logical or purely instinctive thoughts.  Even those self-professed angels of toleration that walk among us would admit to hating those they dub haters with a passion, as the very act of calling someone a hater/bigot/bully is itself a symbol of hatred, probably more so than whatever the alleged hater believed or did to provoke such a petty symbol.  What can we say?  Haters Gonna Hate.

Fundamentalist – 1. One who accepts the fundamentals of a given religion, philosophy, or science wholeheartedly and without question.  Fundamentalists stem from quite every social or religious movement: e.g., Fundamentalist Goremons contend with no evidence that CO2 emissions make the earth warmer and cause extreme weather events despite countless evidence that proves the contrary, not limited to the facts that natural disasters in the U.S. are currently occurring at the lowest rate in decades, that the average surface temperature of the earth hasn’t risen in at least 15 years, and that the mass of Arctic icecaps has skyrocketed in the last year despite predictions by delusional BBC fearmongers that it would all have melted by now, all while CO2 PPM in the atmosphere has reached record levels.  Also, Fundamentalist Commies argue that maintaining a welfare state to the tune of $Trillions a year is a necessary expense to eliminate poverty in the States, even though the poverty rate has remained mostly level ever since LBJ enacted the Great Society in 1965.  Furthermore, Fundamentalist Atheists deride the Bible and especially Genesis as a Creationist collection of fairy tales that have no scientific basis, while simultaneously conjecturing that rational beings are descended from irrational animals, that homosexual intercourse is safe and natural for some people because research has shown that lesbian insects do it together, and that the human mind, nay the whole world on which we live, nay the entire universe and all its matter is a random product of an intelligent and self-initiated explosion at the dawn of time.  2. A derogatory and redundant slur for Christians invented by someone who clearly wasn’t a Christian.  There’s no such thing as a non-fundamentalist Christian, as all Christians must hold the Bible to be the incontestable word of God.  Fundamentalist Christians can’t pick out certain parts of the Bible and discard others that conflict with their conscience, as they would then be rejecting fundamental elements of their faith.

Paying one’s bills – Paying off whatever debt one owes to a particular person, establishment or other entity; demonstrating financial responsibility and honest dealing in settling one’s liabilities towards those he owes.  In Newspeak, accumulating trillion of dollars in debt by borrowing unlimited amounts of money that one has no intent to repay in order to fund excessive and unlawful programs that one has no intent to cut or curtail; demonstrating financial irresponsibility and dishonest dealing in refusing to settle one’s liabilities towards those he owes under any circumstances.

Anarchist – One who disputes the legitimacy of any and all laws imposed by governmental bodies and conducts himself as if such laws didn’t exist; a rebel disposed to chaos who believes that legislators have no business deciding which laws should be applied to society.  Slang/obscene: one who dares to dispute the feasibility, expediency, legality, or morality of certain laws imposed by governmental bodies and conducts himself as if such laws should not exist in the first place; a constitutionalist disposed to order who believes that legis-lators have every business deciding which laws should be applied to society.

Credit card – A plastic article that private citizens use to buy products and services with money they are credited to possess.   Also a metaphorical image on which Bush put two wars and a prescription drug program.

Education – The information and the basic skills, usually relating to mathematics, language, history, and science, that young people acquire up through the 12th grade of high school so that they can enter the world as intelligent and independent adults.  “Education” has since come to encapsulate in the popular mind both the high and low extremes of human learning, from the ABCs and 1,2,3s in “preschool” to job training in college, both of which are funded by the taxpayer and neither of which relates to education properly understood.  No one pays a $100,000+ tuition to a 4-year college in order to get an “education”; they pay such an exorbitant rate in order to get a degree, which is simply a means to a job.

Fact-checker/-ing – The process of checking a certain, usually liberal person’s or party’s questionable claims to verify whether they accurately reflect factual information, as opposed to checking factual information that doesn’t reflect the questionable claims of a certain, usually liberal person or party.

Buffet – V. To beat or strike repeatedly so as to weaken.  N. A supposedly brilliant and economically knowledgeable scribe who professes to desire to pay a higher overall tax rate than his financially downtrodden, second-class secretary, who is inexplicably alleged to pay a higher percentage of income (36%) than the highest statutory rate (35%) under 2012’s federal tax code, but is too dense to figure out how he can pay more of his own initiative and demands that the government likewise persecute everyone of his economic class who doesn’t feel similarly obligated to suffer more in order that their assistants aren’t suffering alone.

Term of endearment – An address used between two people that signifies friend/kinship and respect for the other in proportion to his nature as a human being.  In common-man-speak, refers to an obscene and dehumanizing slur that can reasonably be uttered by people of the same skin color that the word degrades but must never be tolerated from people of another skin color, specifically white.

Single-mom – A welfare recipient, most often a product of a culture and state that financially endorses promiscuous behavior in young adulthood, who won’t take care of herself and relies on ‘compassionate’ statists to support her with money they’ve reappropriated from people who will take care of themselves.

Compassionate – Possessing the benevolence or grace to help others through one’s own resources and labor, often to no personal gain; idem-sacrificial – of the self.  As contrasted with the political “com-passionate”, which is the trait of feigning to help others through resources and labor that aren’t one’s own solely for personal gain; alius-sacrificial – of others.

Charity – 1. A virtuous act committed before God by one’s free will out of a true love for one’s fellow men, however wretched and disgusting they may be.  2. An organization devoted to making such acts feasible.  3. Something the state incentivizes by threatening to confiscate your property unless you allocate it to such a cause.  4. A motion by which narcissists convince themselves that they’re “good people” and that their lives have meaning on account of their service to the human race, which is nevertheless but an accidental byproduct of chaos and equivalent to the smallest insect in its value.

Objective – That which is real, true, and actual, regardless of any disagreements about it by feeble and fallible human minds.  Somewhere along the road of journalism’s historical decay, objective morphed into “without bias”, in spite of the fact that reality will always favor one bias over another, and from there it devolved still further into the unfounded notion that objective reporting requires total neutrality towards political disputes and even the full rejection of factual information that benefits any side over another.  Regardless, if we are to accept this Newspeak formulation of objective as “being without motive or bias”, then we’d be hard pressed to locate such a news outlet in today’s climate of objectivity, as nearly all present journalists happen to be either leftist hacks or kinda-conservative-but-not-really hacks (we’re looking at you, Krauthammer/O’Reilly).

Patriarch The father of a household, or a derogatory term invented by feminists for men who don’t agree with abortion on demand, free love, or the desegregation of strictly male jobs out of “fairness”.

Free love Love that is free (of moral boundaries, obligations, or other rules).

Freedom to love Literally, the liberty to love someone or something without intrusion or persecution by the rest of society.  Popularly understood, the freedom to receive a marriage certificate and all its respective legal and financial perks in relationship to anyone or anything, i.e. the license to take advantage of someone or something by demanding the government intrude upon your relationship and officially subsidize it at the expense of the rest of society.  But that doesn’t sound as harmless and romantic, does it?

Brothers and sisters – Familial or blood relatives by one’s biological or adopted ancestors.  When a politician makes vague and lofty platitudes about his subjugates’ siblings, e.g. “our gay brothers and sisters” and “being our brother’s keeper”, don’t pay him any heed.  Aside from cheapening the meaning of true brotherhood and affirming New-Age BS about “all life being connected”, such a career politician is a liar and a con of the lowest order.  He doesn’t know your brother or sister, nor does he have the slightest interest in your or anyone’s relatives beyond what will service his own personal advancement.  This kind of serpent is among the most disgusting vermin to call himself a man.

Gay / LGBT community – Homosexuals taken collectively.  Has since adopted characteristics and implications that extend far beyond the individual people within the body, coming to engender not just gays and lesbians but also the legal agendas associated with them.  E.g., when a politician says that he “supports his friends in the gay community” or a GLAAD spokesperson condemns a figure for “spreading hatred against the gay community”, they’re not even talking about homosexual people per se so much as they are about homosexual marriage.  Whether one approves or disdains of the “gay community” is no more than a politically charged way of separating proponents and detractors of state-subsidizing homosexual unions and making the former sound morally superior to the latter.

Compromise/deal A voluntary trade, usually of future plans and obligations, arranged between multiple parties in which each side gets something it wants and gives up something else in the process.  Compromise leaves no one perfectly content but everyone more satisfied than they were prior to striking the deal.  When “compromise” has evolved into an agreement that gives one party everything it wants at the expense of everything the other party wants, it’s no longer a true compromise but a “sacrifice” or “caving”.

Bipartisan – Designating a policy or ideal that both parties – the Democrats and Republicans by popular use, disregarding that there are many other parties far superior to the ruling couple – support equally and without dispute.  Also designating a policy that only Democrats want and Republicans will surrender to them simply for the sake of calling themselves “bipartisan”, as in “bipartisan budget act” or “bipartisan farm bill”, or a policy that Democrats think Republicans should support and yet they never will, as in “bipartisan health care reform law”.

LGBT – Popular journalistic euphemism for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender.  Really, when was the last time you saw the New York Times or Huffington Post celebrating “lesbian rights”, “bisexual rights”, or “transgender rights”?

Anti-gay(ness) – Holding moral beliefs or biases that are critical of homosexual intercourse and unions.   In Newslang, “anti-gay(people)” is used by practitioners of tolerance and respect to defame anyone who denies that taxpayer-funded homosexual unions are a God-given entitlement, that homosexuality is safe and natural, or that homosexual relationships are ethically equivalent to ones that biologically work.

Pro-gay(ness) – Holding moral beliefs or biases that are supportive of homosexual intercourse and unions.  No one of political prominence will openly admit to being “pro-gay” – only to being “pro-gay marriage” or “pro-marriage equality”.  On the other hand, those of political prominence who stalwartly oppose gay marriage are never referred to as “anti-gay marriage”, but only as “anti-gay”.  Funny how double standards work.

Marriage Equality – A condition wherein all law-abiding citizens retain the same liberty to enter a marital commitment with someone whose sex is compatible with the meaning of the word “marriage”, because in order for marriage to mean anything, it has to not mean something else.  A campaign to secure “marriage equality” for homosexuals is a superfluous and purposeless vanity project because they already possess the same “right to marry” under the law that everybody else does; they simply choose as any other single person does not to exercise it.  In order to achieve the kind of “marriage” “equality” that gay lobbyists desire, society would have to so thoroughly break down the established definitions of both words that they would no longer denote anything of significance.  The grand irony of the gay agenda is that its greatest triumph would also symbolize its greatest defeat: in winning the so-called “right to marry”, they would simultaneously lose the right to join in a marriage of any meaning, value, or worth.

Not knowing where your next meal is going to come from – 1. Indecision as to whether one will next eat of an animal or of a crop, and of what species or sort.  2. Something that little poor kids do in bed instead of sleeping when they want to stay up all night and get lucky.  3. A state of severe anxiety and ignorance habitually held by government dependents whenever Congress is considering reductions to the indispensable Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.

Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program – Food stamps, i.e. food that you’re taking from someone else you don’t know.

Un******* believable – Something so unbelievable that its rank absurdity warrants or even necessitates the use of obscenity for proper emphasis, as perverted from the original meaning of the descriptor referring to a supposition, story, or other statement so serious and well substantiated that it’s clearly not ****ing around.  We’re kidding: this figure of speech doesn’t have any logical structure to it whatsoever.

Hella – Ebonics abbreviation for “a hell of a/a hell of a lot of”, we think.  So invented because it was unduly difficult to say the whole thing or use a more articulate phrase to convey the same sentiment.

Tolerance – The will to peaceably abide alongside and to let stand differing religions, countenances, political views, professions, and walks of life that don’t necessarily align with one’s own.  Origins: certain colonies in pre-Revolutionary America included Toleration laws in their compacts and constitutions that allowed individuals of different denominations to practice their faith without fear of persecution by the established government.  While these religious entities were tolerated within their respective communities, their creeds were seldom respected or endorsed by the government, nor were other citizens mandated to allay their own beliefs out of deference to the beliefs of others.  In order to sustain any semblance of objective meaning in language and to avert the degeneration of English discourse into senseless babble, we have no recourse but to fiercely battle all efforts to subvert this term.   Contrary to popular thought, tolerance is hardly synonymous with or indicative of acceptance, which is the unconditional approval of something, often evil, nor is it secured by raining favors on whichever contrived victim group has been deemed subject to intolerance.  One doesn’t need to subsidize or champion a belief or lifestyle in order to tolerate it.  This is the great lie of Moral Relativism.

Religious belief – A conviction informed by reason concerning the nature of God, our relationship to Him, and the way of righteous conduct underneath His laws and commandments.  Not every personal fancy or opinion is a religious belief, as theology must needs be rooted in more than the genetic attributes implanted in a person by conception.  If everything one does or says can be attributed to one’s religion, then “the free exercise thereof” has no real value and we must conclude that the Founders were mistaken when they enshrined a right to it within the Constitution.  We know the Founders were not mistaken to observe that right, for if the United States didn’t protect this right then it would inevitably devolve into a fascist dictatorship, and therefore we must also conclude that the New Newspeak understanding of religious beliefs is faulty.

Hate – A verb meaning to loathe someone or something vehemently.  In the 21st century, a noun indicating disagreement with any predominantly leftist political agenda, esp. homosexual marriage and legalization of illegal immigration, synonymous with Christianity and constitutional conservatism.

Homosexual – 1. A scientific term designating someone who’s physically attracted to members of the same sex, as derived from homogenous-sexual.  2. A derogatory, bigoted, hateful, and grammatically baseless term designating someone who’s physically attracted to members of the same sex; substitute with a scientific and non-offensive word like “gay” or “queer” to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

Gay – Joyful and giddy; overflowing with happiness.  A complimentary and enlightened word when used to describe homosexual people or things; an insulting and insensitive word when used to describe non-homosexual people or things.

First – Preceding anything else in a series, usually poorly conceived and rough-edged compared to those things which follow it.  Exception: when applied to historical events or political movements, being the first to do anything is generally held in higher esteem than being the best at doing something.

Food insecurity – 1. A medical condition of being insecure about the food that one eats.  Members of the food-insecure community are often stereotyped as vegetarians and vegans, but this is a misconception, as even McDonalds consumers have occasionally professed insecurity about the pink slime and GMO ingredients contained in their McNuggets and Big Macs, if not the horrible taste.  2. Not knowing where your next meal is going to come from, or so we think.  See above.  USA Today wants us to believe that 49 million people in the country “sometimes eat less, go hungry, or eat less nutritious meals because they can’t afford to eat better”.  You’d have to ask them for the precise scientific meanings of eating “less”, eating “better”, and going “hungry”.

This list will be continually updated with new entries, as The Author's Files editorial board was not alerted of Laboral Party Day, McDonalds day, or Trayvon Martin Luther King Jr. day in due time to finish a full series of commentaries on the unmitigated perversion of the English language.  We don't keep track of these self-indulgent social justice rallies.


  1. I love Labor Day. along with Earth Day and MLKJ Day, Labor day has to be one of the most potent and important holidays of the year, representing freedom from slave-driving corporations like Walmart and McDonalds.

    ~ Sark Astic

  2. Mr. Astic has just articulated - for lack of a more ironic term - one of the most nonsensical and ludicrous economic philosophies I've ever heard. "Corporations like McDonalds and Walmart" don't enslave the common citizen, sir; they free the common citizen from slavery, from servitude to idealistic collectivists like you who view spineless dependency as a liberating rather than a degrading condition.

    But I see it's a waste of energy trying to communicate and reason with your type. Get back in line for your welfare check and stop b*!$#ing your communist sound bytes to those who don't care. No wonder your parents named you after that fascist twit in Tron.


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