Friday, December 20, 2013

He Ain't Got The Moves Like Jagger

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Views and bad writing expressed by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

The Voice of America has spoken, and the sexiest man on the planet isn’t.

People Magazine has courted controversy many times in the past for questionable fashion taste exhibited in Best & Worst Dressed lists, for its effective idolatry of the Obama family, and for its erroneous reporting on stories of people getting kidnapped, bullied to death, murdered by self-defense laws, and otherwise discriminated against, but it has never yet landed in water this hot.

The public outcry started soon after the celebrity gossip outlet declared pop band Maroon 5’s lead singer Adam Levine the Sexiest Man Alive in 2013, a verdict that fueled roars of dissension not only from the magazine’s female-leaning subscribers but also from males.  Said fellow artist and AIDS activist Elton John, “Are you (unprintable) kidding me?”

Beauty analysts hailing from such iconic publications as Vanity Fair, Marie Claire, and GQ have almost unanimously deplored the choice, stating that, “There’s more to genuine masculinity than maintaining a stubbly not-beard, singing in chipmunk range, sporting some cool tattoos, and dating a new supermodel every month.  The really sexy man has a stature befitting of his Spartan ancestors, nobility befitting of his stature, and the courage to finally pop a girl the question.”  Public surveys have largely reflected this mindset, with only 36% of 1000 randomly selected readers of the magazine describing Levine as “desirable”.

As if the decision wasn’t already unpopular enough, an official White House petition has now surfaced requesting that Obama wield his executive authority to force People into reissuing its special edition and crowning the rightful hunk of the year.  The stated reason: “Adam Levine has engaged in decidedly unsexy and unmanly behavior by volunteering to become a ruling party propagandist and help enroll gullible, young, celebrity-obsessed women into the most unattractive and demeaning program instituted by the federal government since the DHS, namely Obamacare.

“This isn’t even the first time that Levine has shoved his politics into places they don’t belong.  Back in 2012, he shared this eloquent tweet with thousands of ex-fans around the world: ‘Dear America, if you don’t re-elect @BarackObama, I’m gonna lose my s***.’

“That the statist imbeciles in charge of People Magazine’s administration should abuse their cultural influence in rewarding these lowly and embarrassing acts of semi-prostitution on the part of Levine constitutes a national emergency that warrants the intervention of the chief executive of the United States.  We request that President Obama immediately issue an executive order to strip Levine of his ill-gotten distinction and hold a special democratic election for the Sexiest Man Alive.”

A low-quality screenshot of the official petition.

Strong words, for sure, but effective ones, as the petition has already soared past the 100,000 signatures necessary to elicit a response from President Obama, gathering approximately 16.7 million within fewer than 72 hours of opening and trouncing the ratings of the singing competition show in which Levine stars.

His fellow judges from The Voice have had mixed reactions to the People opinion.  CeeLo Green said, “Sexiest Man Alive?  Ain’t that some ssshhhhhh!” and Christina Aguilera concurred, “It literally blows my mind.  He’s cute, yeah, but, like, sexy?”  Blake Shelton, on the other hand, had nothing but gushing praise for Levine: “I want to kiss him.  I want to kiss him so bad.  I don’t care if it's mutual or not.  Can you honestly tell me that you don’t have a little bit of a crush on Adam?  He’s sexy, is the word I’m using.  Sexiest man in the world.  I’m not saying I’d leave Miranda for him, but there’s some hot bromance on display between us, as I’m sure you’ve seen.”

Shelton appears to be all alone in his borderline man crush, as Levine’s job approval ratings have hit an all-time low.  Wolf Blitzer stressed on CNN that a scientific poll conducted nationwide by the network showed that only 20% of those familiar with the lead singer strongly or somewhat support him after “whoring himself” for the Obama regime, with 75% strongly or somewhat disapproving and 4% being undecided.

The ACLU has strongly condemned the reaction of “negative haters” to Levine’s political activism, saying that “the intense criticism from the right amounts to something like censorship and should be denounced by all as an affront to our basic human and civil rights.”

The Heritage Foundation, however, rebukes this as a vast distortion of the Constitution’s actual text. “The 1st Amendment enshrines a right to freedom of speech and association.  It does not guarantee a right to become a poster child – or grown man, to be precise – for illegal and ineffectual socialized medicine, and it especially does not guarantee a right to be respected and pampered with a silly title for doing so.  The ACLU only cheapens the importance of our natural rights and mitigates politicians’ liability to defend them when it broadens said rights to include such ludicrous vanities as beauty pageant titles.”

The country is still waiting with bated breath for the President to address this new entrant in a long line of “phony scandals” that have plagued his second term.  So far he has been silent on the issue other than to remark that he’ll “have to check with Sasha and Malia about this Mr. Levine.”

The petition doesn’t endorse any single replacement for Levine’s position but does delineate several nominees, including Willie Robertson, Jase Robertson, Jep Robertson, Phil Robertson, Hassan Rouhani, and Shelton, whom Levine himself dubbed the sexier of the two Voice judges in a tender smooch on live family television.

The Author looks on the whole affair with cynical disgust.  “I thought society already had enough problems reducing its women to inanimate pleasure objects with crude and hedonistic denominators like ‘sexy’ and ‘hot’.  Must we apply the same infantile and narrow-sighted measures of character to men, who should aspire for many things – honor, piety, independence, chivalry – but ‘sexiness’ least of all?”  When approached by journalists from the Files, Levine’s representatives said he was unavailable for comment.

Maroon 5’s fifth studio album entitled Overrated will be released soon and you can hear the group’s viral new medley One More Check / Payphoney below.

* Correction from the news team: Due to an accidental lapse in reporter accuracy and intentional lapse in the chief editor’s oversight, the video embedded above is not the latest hit from Maroon 5 and has nothing to do with Adam Levine.  But you probably inferred as much on your own just from how ‘sexy’ it was – the singing, that is, to be clear.  Definitely no Adam here.  And no, the Author isn’t going to ‘fix’ the ‘error’.


  1. Some random Victoria Secret modelTuesday, December 24, 2013

    George Pallas really doesn't give Adam Levine enough credit for his artistry. There's nothing wrong or unmanly with singing in a chipmunk key. You should like seriously review one of his albums soon. It's way better than the crap that goody-goody Mormon girl Lindsey Stirling pumps out.

  2. Come again? "Goody-goody Mormon girl?" Your stupidity is showing, and a lot else besides.

    I would consider reviewing a Maroon 5 album, but I only have the one Lindsey Stirling cover to embed, so there'd be no conceivable point to it.


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