Chelsea Clinton's Fetus Wishes It Won't Be Born

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Moral relativism, dehumanizing language, and genocidal tendencies  expressed by the author are his and the nonhuman fetus’ alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

In a sweeping rebuttal to the predictions of many philosophy and religion professors, the greatest gift bestowed upon the world last Holy Week was not the promise of salvation embodied in Jesus Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection, nor was it the release of a second single from seemingly single Lindsey Stirling’s upcoming album, but it actually turned out to be the joyful announcement that royal daughter Chelsea Clinton had become host to an organic life form developing in her uterus.  “Marc and I are very excited that we have our first child [sic] arriving later this year, and I certainly feel all the better — whether it’s a girl [sic] or a boy [sic] — that she [sic] or he [sic] will grow up in a world full of so many strong young female leaders, so thank you for inspiring me and thank you for inspiring future generations, including the one that we’ll be lucky enough to welcome into our family later this year,” Chelsea Clinton said last Thursday.  “I just hope that I will be as good a mom to my child [sic], and hopefully children [sic], as my mom was to me.”

Most greeted the news of Clinton’s impregnation with joy and adulation, congratulating her for so quickly finding such a humble and selfless bed partner; as ever, though, the public response wasn’t entirely hopeful, since the voices of hate couldn’t even once turn down an opportunity to muddy the conversation with their negativity.  Out of all the critics, the most surprising was the invading fetus itself, which appeared to vent displeasure with its own unfortunate existence in an emotional interview with gay Good Morning America celebrity Robin Roberts, portions of which were widely shared on social media like Facebook, Twitter, and Google Plus.  The nonviable tissue mass lamented that its grandsires “had been two youthful, exceedingly attractive New Democrats driven together in coitus not out of a sincere reverence for their purely pragmatic marital bonds but out of severe political expediency… these were people who did not have access to the services that are so crucial that Planned Parenthood helps provide.”

“Had they lived in this modern, progressive age – where government forces employers to make indispensable health care, such as contraceptives, abortions, and makedown, available for free to all unionists, where the government graciously enables women to purchase these same medicinal products for as little as $100 a day or to pay an insignificant fee instead –, then they would not potentially be dealing with an unwanted and distracting grandspawn like me heading into another election, an election which will ultimately decide whether we continue forward on the path of human evolution or lose all the progress we’ve made towards attaining earthly paradise.”

Roberts commended the soulless burden for its selflessness and commitment to supporting Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign efforts, but inquired if its convictions didn’t run deeper than mere political allegiance, to which it stated bluntly, “Like, I literally wish I would never be born.  The anti-choice lobby pretends to be pro-life, but they only care for a fetus’ life when it’s inside the womb and dependent on the mother for survival.  Once the fetus is outside of the womb and still dependent on the mother for survival, they would heartlessly revoke all the food stamps, disability checks, SSI, unemployment benefits, and other resources that the mother needs to properly raise the fetus.”

“Under the guise of morality and upholding the inherent dignity and natural right to life of all human beings, the Republicans want to return us to the dark days of Ancient Greece and Rome, when partners were accorded no choice other than to leave their scrawny and unpromising male fetuses on hillsides, just because they didn’t trust the cruel and dispassionate patriarchs within the Senate to pay for all the food that went in the fetuses’ mouths and all the cloth wrappings that went around the fetuses’ bodies.”

“The truth is that pro-choice is pro-life; I just hope my biological carrier makes the right choice.  She’s already goofed in forgetting to take her birth control pills like a responsible grown-up, in erroneously referring to me as a ‘child’, and in trying to ascribe to me a particular gender, which we all know is completely relative and up to the individual’s determination, but at least she didn’t make the mistake of calling me a ‘baby’.  There may still be some hope for my not-future.”

Continuing on the subject of his biological ancestry, the fetus took a cue from prominent feminist and sex abuse activist Lena Dunham in regretting his grandparents’ self-imposed sentence of intellectually dishonest sexuality.  “It will actually be a huge disappointment for me,” it claimed, “when I come of age and realize that my grandparents weren’t physically attracted to each other.  If the Duggar family wasn’t already seizing all our natural resources and if this overpopulated planet could actually make room for one more parasitical pest like myself, then I wish that I could conceivably be descended from spouses who truly loved one another with all of their state-administered marriage contract pieces of paper – from inspirational, devoted partners like Jodie Foster and, and, uh, you know, the other girl.  Unfortunately, back when my grandparents tied the knot, the laws of Creation – or Nature, to be strictly correct – didn’t allow two loving, voluntary people of the same sex to pro-create offspring, and judging by today’s atmosphere of hate, it’s clear that we still have a lot of progress to make on reforming this immutable, scientific fact.”

In spite of its moving pleas to be safely and legally gotten rid of before it’s too late, the unborn thing doesn’t appear to be doing itself any favors, as Mrs. Clinton has only grown more attached to her infection the more it speaks its undeveloped, rudimentary excuse for a mind.  “Our little Ben Jossie has to be the most eloquent and thoughtful and reasonable baby [sic] I’ve ever listened to, and I can’t wait to welcome him [sic] or her [sic] into our dynasty.  I bet he’s going to play the sax too.  It’s gonna take a village to raise the next generation of voting citizens, and the village is looking brighter every day with such intelligent children [sic] as ours.”  Her husband Mark, on the other hand, was a little less comfortable with the idea that he had anatomically brought a talking fetus into being.  “I-I-I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” was his only comment for the press.

Unabridged quick hits courtesy of USA Today, America’s most circulated 30-page Tweet aggregator (emphasis added)

“Census Bureau projections that ethnic and racial minorities will outnumber whites in the United States by 2043 are proving to be a lure to new recruits.  Add the first African-American president and hard economic times, stir in a virulent brew of lies and fearmongering, and you’ve got a recipe for hatred.  The number of domestic hate groups rose from 602 in 2000 to 939 last year, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks such things… the haters are a danger to everyone – and to the ideals on which America was founded.” ~ Editorial

“For a product whose main appeal is supposed to be that it’s not a traditional cigarette, e-cigarette makers have sure taken a lot of pages from Big Tobacco’s playbook.  Which is not surprising.” ~ Another editorial

“Leaders at the National Rifle Association, who get paid handsomely for shilling for inaction and peddling fear, will be a force this fall.” ~ Former representative Gabrielle Giffords

“War on women alert: One of the most forceful fighters against misogyny in the modern era is under attack… Despite being a supporter of abortion rights, an Atheist, and an advocate of gay and women’s rights, she is despised by many who claim to be defenders of women’s rights.” ~ Kirsten Powers, who writes weekly for USA Today

“Tianna Gaines Turner can’t remember the last time she went to bed without worrying about how she would feed her three kids.” ~ Marisol Bello, anecdote and cliché chief at the news board

“In prime time – like when the court announced its ruling on the Affordable Care Act – its traffic is enormous.  Yet it [“Scotusblog”] can’t get credentials to cover the Supreme Court.  In fact, its efforts to do so are going in reverse.  Only in the never-never land they call Washington, D.C.” ~ Rem Rieder, resident Benghazi conspiracy theorist, credentialed credentialist, and run-on sentence coordinator at USA Today

“Snowden said he agreed to put the question to Putin because he believed he could be as revealing of Russia’s expansive electronic spying as he has been of U.S. abuses.  Snowden thinks too highly of himself. ‘Mr. Snowden has been accused of leaking classified information, and he faces felony charges… he should be returned to the United States as soon as possible, where he will be accorded full due process in our system,’ Kevin Lewis, the Department of Justice spokesperson, told me.” ~ Dewayne Wickham, who writes non-sequitur ad hominem attacks every Tuesday for USA Today

“This catchy, encouraging pop, aimed directly at teenage girls and young women, is the kind of music Katy Perry would be making if she were still Katy Husdson and shooting for the Christian market.  2/4 stars.” ~ Brian Mansfield on the new Francesca Battistelli Writchurstory album

“The gray-haired, so-called leaders in their white shirts and ties should wake up and see what the date is.” ~ @StephenYursha, an advocate of non-gray-hair and non-white-apparel committed to securing free calendar rights for all Americans

“The Bible has far too much influence.  It’s ridiculous that politicians are able to use an ancient text to dictate modern life.” ~ @solitaryspook, an advocate of “modern life” and modern literature over ancient, primeval, barbaric texts which have somehow survived for thousands of years

“These devices are nothing but nicotine delivery systems.  Some people complaining about e-cigarette regulation remind me of children, kicking their feet and holding their breath because someone told them what to do.  Grow up!” ~ Mark Helmboldt, a proponent of respectful and logical discourse in politics