Aliens – The Lost Script – Redacted for overtly and offensively P.C. undertones
Starring Sigourney Weaver and Bill Paxton and Paul Reiser
Written by James Cameron
Produced by James Cameron
Nominated for the Oscars by James Cameron
Directed by James Cameron
Retrieved from the memory hole by film historian and
archeologist Josephos Rex
[The camera cuts to look over Hudson’s back and reveals the
approach of a female person.]
Burke: That’s a bunch of stuff and you know it, Ripley. I’ve read about Xenoral-Impregnation before and know for certain that it’s not limited to cases of inter-species relations. That’s a lie perpetuated by xenophobic bigots dead set on blocking research and suppressing awareness that might help those afflicted with the virus. The most credible studies actually estimate that only 50% of those impregnated have reached that state through unprotected alien copulation.
Hicks: Now you’ve crossed the line, dude. Get away from her –
[Ripley throws up her hand and stops him mid-one-liner]
Ripley: Thanks, but I’m perfectly capable of handling my own problems, Hicks. It’s 2179. I don’t need a male to watch my back for me. Have you ever given birth to a child?
[Hicks stutters and babbles incoherently, grasping for a response. Having sufficiently proven her point, Ripley dramatically pushes Burke against the wall in shaky, action cam.]
Ripley: “Get away from me, you sonuvabitch!”
[Paralyzed by the self-reliant woman’s force, he slumps to the floor in a heap, shuddering with fear. Hudson inches forward with hands clenched in a submissive, prayerful gesture.]
Hudson: Now, guys, don’t you think we’re taking this a little too far! I mean, #♪!*ing A! We should be working together on this $^&!
[Burke weakly rises to his feet and talks with his hands in a corporate manner.]
Burke: He has a point, actually. Look, I know this an emotional moment for all of us. I know that. But, come on, let’s not go making snap judgments. This is clearly a very important issue we’re dealing with here, and I don’t think you or I or anybody has the right to arbitrarily abandon anybody who’s suffering from it.
Hicks: Damn right. The time for judging is over; now all we can do is try to help Burke with his condition. We need to respond decisively and compassionately to discover a cure for Xenoral Impregnation.
Hudson: Has anyone seen that movie Prometheus?
[Everyone stares at him in uncomprehending befuddlement. After a time he swallows and recedes into his corner of shame.]
Burke: What we need to do is start a media awareness campaign. Awaken everybody in the Colonial Marines to the unique prejudices and health defects that Xeno-victims encounter every day, because, as we know, there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than misunderstanding and hate. If we’re ever going to achieve notable advances in the war against Impregnation, we’re going to have to change the narrative surrounding this life-ruining virus. First we’ll have to correct the misconception that Impregnation is a natural punishment for deviant relationships, when many people contract the disease from other causes or because xenophobic extremists deny them the education and resources to safely mingle with the other species. It’s not their fault if they aren’t aware of the risks or how to counter them!
Ripley: There is no way to counter them. You think the xenos are some kind of pet that you can temper to your pleasure –
Hudson: Yeah, yeah, that’s a great idea, man. And we should make some badge too, yeah, a red badge to show we care about ending Xenorphal-Indignation!
Hicks: I’m on board if everyone else is. Are you with us, Ripley?
Ripley: … It won’t make any difference.
Burke: You’ll never know unless you try. Will you try, Ripley? For my sake. For the sake of all humanity.
[Ripley regretfully puts her right hand into the center of the four-person huddle, recognizing its futility but going along because it’s eminently harder to resist a crowd of idealistic human swine than it is to challenge a race of murderous space alien parasites. The camera hangs above their brotherly formation to emphasize the strength of the pact they’ll undertake. Burke suddenly coughs heavily and spits blood onto the tangle of hands. Cut to angled close shot of his chest frothing with blood and finally exploding to reveal a sickly eyeless worm with serrated teeth. Ripley screams as it scurries up Burke’s arm, crosses to her own, and lunges at the camera in a 3D effect. Cut to black.]
Burke: What we need to do is start a media awareness campaign. Awaken everybody in the Colonial Marines to the unique prejudices and health defects that Xeno-victims encounter every day, because, as we know, there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than misunderstanding and hate. If we’re ever going to achieve notable advances in the war against Impregnation, we’re going to have to change the narrative surrounding this life-ruining virus. First we’ll have to correct the misconception that Impregnation is a natural punishment for deviant relationships, when many people contract the disease from other causes or because xenophobic extremists deny them the education and resources to safely mingle with the other species. It’s not their fault if they aren’t aware of the risks or how to counter them!
THE END
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