This being the final chapter of an epic trilogy of things that Saddleback professor Lawrence Twicken says. The great thing about taking classes with Mr. Twinkett is that one could theoretically never run out of new and exciting Twinkettisms to share with all the world. The not-so-great thing is that one would have to keep taking classes with Mr. Twinkett.
On the souls of black folk:
“If you thought black people were animals, why were you having sex with them?”
“People still want to study why black people run faster…”
[Imitating a hypothetical black mother while explaining how blacks are “super-spankers”] “Tonight – and she’s fingering her belt – I’m gonna whoop your black ass!”
“The black middle-class of today would not exist without affirmative action.”
“There are two groups of people we don’t talk about: upper-middle-class black folk and Asian criminals.”
“We still are under that slavery, that system… even to this day.”
[On the 3/5ths Compromise] “Shows you how important diversity is…”
“Black folk have to buy a white anniversary card.”
On females:
[Possibly facetious, possibly earnest] “There should be twice as many bathrooms for women.”
“Women are a numerical majority, but we talk about them as if they’re a minority because they have less power.”
“… patriarchy…”
On his wife:
“My wife’s been trying to teach me to appreciate smooth jazz.”
[Recounting an anecdote about his wife getting caught in traffic, or a car crash, or some tense situation. The only necessary background is that his wife never swears, but when she does…] “So this guy is screaming at her, ‘I’m going to come over there and ____ you!’ And my wife says, ‘You don’t have anything to ____ me with!’”
On parenting:
[A long digression] “Spanking children. It doesn’t work. All the psychologists say so.”
“I used to take my son, throw him up in the air and catch him, but you’re not supposed to do that – spinal injuries… When I figured out, I was like, ‘Oh, shoot. That’s a violent act.’” And he told another dad in a parking lot not to do it.
On Global Warming:
“Let me just say that there is global climate change. The earth is getting warmer.”
“You shouldn’t write articles saying Global Warming isn’t real.”
“We can solve it… it’s not a left-right issue, it’s all of us.”
[Talking about the Hummer motor vehicle] “It’s like you take your penis, flap it around, and say, ‘I’m going to rape the environment, I’m going to ____ the environment!’”
On technology:
[Addressing a student checking his phone, while he’s setting up an HBO movie he’s about to screen for almost 2 hours] “Put that away please.”
On court packing:
“Adams thinks that Jefferson state’s rights people are gonna ____ things up; so he fills up the courts with Federalists… Basically they said, ‘____ you, ____ you, no ____ing way. Not gonna happen.’”
“Then Jefferson says, ‘How great is this? I can destroy the mother____ing court forever!”
On law and order and law enforcement:
[On de jure segregation, or de facto, not that it really matters to him] “Whites know they’re privileged; blacks know they’re being ____ed with… No matter how many opportunities they get, they’re ____ups.”
[Referring to the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments] “… The Second Constitution…”
“We have some pro-life groups which go out and shoot doctors…”
“Most police don’t live in Los Angeles or give a s____ about people living there.”
On the Confederate flag [snippets of a 35-minute intro to one class period]:
“The Confederate Flag was not just a battle flag. It was a flag of slavery, meant to replace the United States flag.”
“The flag was used to intimidate black folk. It came back in the 1950s because of the civil rights movement.”
“It’s a symbol of terrorism… the same as the swastika.”
[Anecdotal story about someone drawing a graffiti swastika in his neighborhood, school, wherever] “My kids couldn’t sleep in their beds for months.”
On what conservatives and liberals want:
[Talking about mutual sacrifice and racial equality] “Liberals just want to make the pie bigger, but the pie always shrinks.”
“John Roberts did the conservative thing [on Obamacare]… There’s no doubt Roberts is a conservative. It’s a very logical argument he made on Obamacare.”
“The NRA’s views on guns are not in line with the average gun owner’s.”
“So conservatives don’t want to change the two-party system.”
“Affirmative action is pretty conservative.”
On himself being conservative:
“I’m pretty libertarian that way. If people want to do [Operation Chaos, or similar electoral sabotage], let them do it.”
On checks and balances:
“The division of powers was logical, but not rational.”
“How is the president any more qualified [than the people] to select the judges?”
“The limit on that federal government is us.” Says like he cares about limiting the government.
“The layer cake analogy of government is bad because there are a lot more forces at play. It’s really more like a marble cake.”
[On Congressional committees] “The truth is no one’s going to read the ____ing bill.”
On demographics:
[On Social Security] “They ____ with young people cause they don’t vote, but old people do vote.”
“In the California suburbs, they want to be super-Mormon. In Salt Lake City, they have Mormon drunks, Mormon gay people.”
“The core of blue states’ voting blocs is black people.”
On fairness:
“It’s unfair to ask a truck driver to work two more years to get Social Security… it’s unkind.”
On homosexual marriage:
“Scalia’s outrageous, mean-spirited rant…”
“The only argument against same-sex marriage is religious or that it’s icky… but people only think gay PDA is gross because of the government’s disapproval.”
“Marriage is a civil institution… Marriage is a right. It’s one of those privileges.”
[Mockingly] “Horses and people are going to have sex with each other and have horsey babies…”
[On incest, speaking sophistically, I think] “Why is it wrong? What rational reason is there for fearing it?” [Waits for student response.] “Just no ____ing way!”
“Scalia was so wrong on Obamacare.”
“You have to go back 100 years to find a Supreme Court this crazy.”
On other stereotypes:
[A lengthy tangent concerning a particular Irvine high school] “I’m against every Indian mascot.”
“There are Asian people who are tall. Not every one is super teach-smart. Some of the most vicious gangs…” [The Author’s notes end here.]
“If I say nigga, no one cares. If I say the same word for Jew, then everyone is up in arms… [Demonstrates.] Nigga, nigga, nigga! … I’m using the Kanye West version.”
On his grading rubric:
“I’m not ideological – I’m a pain in the ass to everyone.”
“If you make a dumb argument, I’m gonna be pissed. I hate stupid people.”
On himself:
“Most people want to challenge Mr. Twicken the first week. But most teachers know more than you – not necessarily smarter, they just know more.”
“A student journalist here once got outraged that I said Thomas Jefferson raped a slave and wrote about me in the paper. So I got my whole class to wear hoodies for Trayvon.”
“One reason my wife married me is my hairy chest… and that I’m really smart, which I am.”
[Of the John Adams government and the Alien Sedition Acts] “They’d probably use the death penalty three times on me.”
“That’s why this class is such a bargain.”
Fast-travel to other parts:
Stuff That Larry Twicken Says
More Stuff That Larry Twicken Says
Jesus, you've been at Saddleback for seven years?
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