Saturday, December 10, 2016

Save Dewey, Build The Wall (Pepperdine Service Announcement)

The following is a digital transcription of an urgent message ineffectively distributed across Beatissima University the week before finals so that nobody would notice it or pay it any heed.  Dewey Hall is a stately and beloved middleclass dormitory situated on the far side of Greek Row that’s set to be demolished in spring of 2017 in order to be rebuilt from the ground up as a larger living area accommodating larger, more diverse class bodies that will incidentally be paying even more tuition to acquire less applicable knowledge from less intelligent professors.  What the Housing and Residence Life office of Beatissima does not know or refuses to acknowledge is that Dewey is currently resting on “sacred ground” and any construction efforts advanced upon it will not only prove catastrophic to the coastal environment but, more pressingly, cause irrevocable harm to the feelings and comfort of the students living there, who will be forced back into the shadows they’ve fought their entire adult lives to escape.  As it stands, people who call Dewey their home are Beas in every way except on paper, and the time has long since passed for the school’s Christian administration to recognize their dignity, which brings us to the text of this poster.

Most of this will not make sense to those who haven’t studied recently at Beatissima.  Most of this will not make sense to those who are currently studying at Beatissima, as reading comprehension is frankly not Beas’ strongest suit, any more than is staying informed on food and housing arrangements affecting where they live, any more than is remembering the statements of those running for president pertaining to Americans’ gun rights and freedom of speech.

First they came for the fountain, and I did nothing, because I was a broke-ass college student and did my laundry at my parents’ house, not in the fountain.
Then they came for the La Brea and Peet’s, and I did nothing, because I did not eat baked goods and already had Starbucks, which is better, at the cafeteria and HAWC and verily every corner.
Then they came for the cable, and I did nothing, because I did not watch anything that was not on Putlocker or Netflix and because I could not get cable on my iPhone.
Then they came for the library, and I did nothing, because I knew better than to waste my time reading anything more complex than a 100-word Facebook “rant” or a nihilistic Salon article.
Then they came for the mural, and I did nothing, because I was not one of the unacceptably few not-white people here and was not aware of any such mural or the affront it caused.
Then they came for Dewey, and no one did a thing for me, because they had never called Dewey “Home” and did not even know that it existed.

It’s time to send The Powers That B a message:
   That they cannot take whatever they want.
      That this is our land.
         That we stand in #insolidarity and unity for
               Immediately around


* Miller will pay for it.
** Some of the people in HRL, I assume, are good people.


  1. Every time I go to Beatissima, I break out in a cold sweat. So I try not to spend too much time there.
    But this talk about a wall, c'mon, that's just crazy talk. Nobody in their right mind thinks you can build a wall around Dewey. It's not even an adult conversation.
    Well, I'll tell you what. We've knocked on hundreds of doors already. We did it to Payson and now we're going to do to Dewey!

  2. I'mma just gonna call you the Ann Coulter of Beatissima ...


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