Monday, January 6, 2014

Aaron Rodgers Fumbles Straight Pass

Article written by George Stefano Pallas.  Views, bad writing, and heterophobia expressed by the author are his alone and do not necessarily reflect nor should be construed as those of the Author.

The sports community breathed a heavy sigh of disappointment Tuesday after Aaron Rodgers of the Green Bay Packers put to bed rumors that he’s the first gay quarterback in the NFL.  “I’m just going to say that I’m not gay,” Rodgers confessed on AM 540 ESPN Radio.  “I really, really like women.  That’s all I can really say about that.”

Rodgers’ heartfelt announcement predictably let down many supporters of LGBT rights, most notable among them President Barack Obama.  “I was all ready to give him a private call congratulating him on his gayness, but apparently it was not to be.”  Jay Carney clarified to the press that “although the White House respects Rodgers’ right to make this life choice, it doesn’t necessarily endorse the choice itself.”

The official Obama statement was actually the most lenient of the high-profile responses to Rodgers’ anti-gay comments.  NBA social activist Jason Collins said that he’s “really sullied his profession and failed his responsibility to the social progress of all” while adding, “I still think he’s one of us.  He just isn’t brave enough to admit it yet in this climate of extreme hatred.  We’ve come a long way towards eliminating bigotry and discrimination, but a majority of people in this country still cling to old and fundamentalist fears.  If there’s anything we’ve learned from slavery and the civil rights movement, it’s that change doesn’t happen overnight.”

Sports commentator Bob Costas has voiced doubt that Rodgers’ career will stay the same in the wake of his divisive rhetoric.  “Most likely it will take a downturn as his sagging public approval reduces his merchandise sales and advertising opportunities,” he predicts.  “We saw this same phenomenon occur about a year ago with the Rush Limbaugh-Sandra Fluke scandal.  Most advertisers don’t take kindly to inflammatory name-calling, and neither do consumers.”

In fact, many advertisers including Levi’s, Axe, and Subway have already pulled spots that feature Rodgers, stating that the sensitive nature of his words causes them to hesitate before continuing to use his face.  “If the kind of rhetoric now associated with one of our spokesmen has a potential to negatively impact our sales, that definitely gives us reservations about further distributing the commercials featuring him,” was the official statement released by the chief marketing executive of the jean manufacturer, having formerly partnered with Brett Favre, the retired quarterback of the equally controversial Vikings team, which has in recent days been charged with racial insensitivity towards those of Scandinavian descent.

Costas continued, “I suspect these anti-gay comments will be like a high-capacity assault weapon to his reputation.  How many more metaphorical tragedies like this will it take before Congress takes bipartisan action on this crisis?”

Congress may not be taking any action on the issue, but that hasn’t stopped others, like the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, from doing so.  The free-speech advocacy group published an emotional condemnation of Rodgers late Friday, demanding ultimately that he be indefinitely suspended from the NFL until making proper restitution to those he injured.

“Aaron Rodgers’ coming-out stunt was obviously very offensive to a large sect of people who expected better of so professional a quarterback, further proving the sage words of Oprah Winfrey: there are still generations of people, older people, who were born and bred and marinated in it, in that prejudice and homophobia, and they just have to die.

“There are doubtless two questions on the minds of enlightened Americans following this regrettable incident.  First, why would he so emphatically deny being gay when there’s no shame in being gay, especially for a grown man in a sport that involves doing manly things like wrestling other grown men to the ground?  Rodgers’ crude and vocal denouncement of his own sexuality is effectively a denouncement of everyone’s sexual identity; in three short sentences, he has perfectly summarized and encapsulated all the most insulting kinds of betrayal against his gay brothers and sisters.

“Even the disgusting hate speech of Phil Robertson pales in comparison to the incendiary anti-gay rant of the perverted bigot Aaron Rodgers.  He professes that ‘he really, really likes women,’ but how far would a big guy like him who plays a violent game for profit be willing to take that admiration?  Should Green Bay and the NFL continue to grant this man a platform from which to preach his intolerance and address creepy, predatory compliments towards the opposite, more rape/harassment-prone sex?  Absolutely not, would say anyone with an ounce of common sense.

“As for the second question, why does Rodgers assume we care even slightly what he does in the privacy of his bedroom?  The ideologues of the religious right always cry foul whenever a gay person comes out, saying that their sex life is their own business and should be kept to themselves, but will they hold the same standard to straight people coming out of the closet?”

It appears that they won’t, as Tea Party leaders have already rallied to defend Rodgers’ lifestyle against widespread, popular backlash.  Rush Limbaugh, Tim Tebow, Ted Cruz, and Sarah Palin are the most recognizable names to speak up for the embattled quarterback, with the last quipping on her Facebook page that, “Obama ought to put free speech on the endangered species act.  Those intolerants hatin’ on Aaron Rodgers for voicing his personal appetites are hatin’ on all of us.”  Kirk Cameron said much to the same effect when he congratulated Rodgers for “having the courage to tell the truth and share who he really is with the world.  Our society often rewards and praises who conform to the homosexual agenda, but it takes tremendous courage to come out as straight in a country that rarely accords heterosexuals the dignity of their basic human rights.  Rodgers’ act of free expression should be an inspiration to all proponents of our constitutional liberties.  We’re currently in talks for a screen adaptation of his amazing life story.”

The opposing side, however, doesn’t see Rodgers’ statements as a free speech issue at all, framing the debate instead as a conversation over homophobia and employer rights.  Many acknowledge that people like Rodgers have a right to say whatever they like but, unlike public educators and MSNBC anchors, he has no right to tenure and immunity against the repercussions of his comments, while many others contend that the Founders never envisioned the First Amendment as guarding “hate speech” of this flavor.  Piers Morgan articulated this latter interpretation in a pair of tweets he sent out on Wednesday, saying, “@AaronRodgers is not a ‘victim of political correctness.’  He’s a victim of his own repulsively racist, homophobic bigotry.  Just as the 2nd Amendment shouldn’t protect assault rifle devotees, so the 1st Amendment shouldn’t protect vile bigots. #RodgersScandal #GLAAD #CNN20YearRatingsLow #MegynKellyKickingMyButtInThisTimeSlot”

Regardless of which party tweets, likes, subscribes, and petitions louder, Americans will continue to argue about the merits of straight comings-out and their protection under employment fairness laws.  The NFL is expected to respond to GLAAD’s calls for suspension later Monday.

The Author’s Files tried to reach Rodgers for comment but was turned away from the hospital where he’s being treated for hypothermia and pneumonia, allegedly induced by severe global warming in sub-zero temperatures at yesterday’s game against the 49ers.  The Author too was unable to comment other than to say, “You lost me at football, and guess who else isn’t gay.  Hey, world, I go for women too!  Just thought all you strangers would like to know.”


  1. Kudos to George Pallas for another hard-hitting piece of expository journalism. I sincerely appreciate that he really tries to fairly represent literally every side of the issue. We don't see his kind of objectivity and devotion a lot nowadays.

    He should really get a job at a legitimate news source like Fox & Friends or Good Morning America instead of slaving for this narcissistic Author.

  2. Wow! Huge shoutout to Mr. Pallas for his great reporting. His style of writing is just unbelievable, looking the topic over from every angle, giving the reader a true sense of enlightenment. Give a huge shoutout to Mr. Rodgers too. It takes a lot of bravery to come out and admit your not gay…

  3. Why does George Stefan (or should I say the Author?) always discuss the most trivial, irrelevant pieces of "news" out there? So far, he's reported on Aaron Rodger's denial of being gay and the "sexiest man alive" plus two completely fake articles about "commie-con" and the "49 shades of occupy" (There, I think I'm all done with quotes now). Really, how does anyone profit form these articles. They don't gain any knowledge whatsoever except that Mr. Pallas is a first-rate moron. In a time when homosexuality, rising taxes, liberalism, inflation, and the debt ceiling are all points of debate, George chooses to discuss the award for sexiest man alive?!
    The pseudonym that he (or you) adopts is also pathetically weak. I wouldn't be surprised if George Stephanopoulos was a better reporter than his mime, Mr. Pallas. I would also like to tell Mr. Beau that I cannot begin to describe how great an imbecile he is.

    Ree Zonabel

  4. isn't even a real website, Ree Zonabel, and while we're on the subject of Identity Truthers, what kind of name is 'Zonabel' a cover for anyway? You're obviously reasonable and well-educated, having an expansive list of ways to call someone stupid and knowing how to turn a tricky phrase like "Really, how does anyone profit form these articles?"

    If my buddy George's journalism is so beneath (or above) your intelligence, why don't you find some other news outlet to digest instead of chasing rabbit trails and accusing him of being a fraud?

  5. First of all, "Author", I don't see why I should share my real name and personal information with you if you don't share yours with me. It doesn't seem very smart to go giving your name and pertinent info to a complete stranger. Also, for one who then called me stupid (over a smartphone induced typo I might add) you seemed very disapproving of my criticism of others: " having an expansive list of ways to call someone stupid…"
    I am also most definitely not beneath Mr. Pallas's writing, especially as there is nothing to be beneath. I've read some of your writing, and it's superlatively better than George's writing. Why can't you write under your normal pseudonym, about stuff that actually matters?

  6. This stupid Google spam filter keeps trying to censor my readers on this article without alerting me to its sinister operations. Sorry, guys. If your comment doesn't appear immediately, just hang in there as I assign my tech team, that is myself, to fight the corporate power.

    Zonabel - Unlike you, George is a real person with a real name who really cares about planting knowledge in the masses of low-information voters. If he's really just a made-up persona as you sincerely believe, why are you wasting so much personal and electrical energy making ad hominem attacks against an imaginary writer who can't even see what you type?

  7. Whatever… I give up… Keep reviewing stupid topics under stupid pseudonyms. Give my best to "George".


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