God Commands Hollywood To Return Bible Stories
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning – the sixth day. By the seventh day, God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work and watched the man he created in his own image do his own work, and he saw that it was not very good at all.
Humanity has been blaspheming its Creator and defiling the talents bestowed on them ever since the days of Noah, Babel, Sodomy and Gomorrah, and South Park, sometimes to stern rebuke, other times to near total annihilation, but they may have pulled the very last straw with the dawning of the 2014 movie season. While the past ten years have borne witness to plagues of similarly themed projects including penguin-centered family films, superhero origin stories, Abraham Lincoln movies, and, just last year, teen-oriented paranormal romantic flops based on YA book series, 2014 is shaping up to be the year of the Bible according to analyst Nick Allen at The Daily Telegraph. The newspaper recently highlighted an ark’s load of upcoming feature-length films based on God’s bestselling novel, from Al Gore’s executive-produced “Noah: Eco-Warrior” this March to Ridley Scott’s “Exodus From Earth”, a hotly anticipated landmark in geek fandom which stars Sigourney Weaver and the director promises will imaginatively retell the Biblical epic while illuminating some of all of the questions he left unanswered in his other more vaguely religious head-scratcher “Prometheus”.
God is not amused. The Lord of the universe spoke to Hollywood producers through religious leader Mark Burnett last Thursday, saying, “Our book is to be called a book of prayer, but you have turned it into an Imax 3D den of thieves!” To prove that secular film studios are exploiting his book for material profit, God singled out both of the aforementioned movies as well as “Gods and Kings” by Ang Lee, a Pontius Pilate movie starring Brad Pitt, a “mystery thriller” about the resurrection called “Resurrection”, and a Will Smith-directed sci-fi retelling of Cain and Abel that will somehow involve vampires. “That last one I’d verily vomit at if My divinity allowed,” said the Father.
One of his main objections to the unholy onslaught of adaptations, aside from the obvious drawbacks of vampires and werewolves, is that all are being directed, acted, written, and otherwise created by a bunch of rabid Atheists and psycho-babble whackos, from ambiguous None Darren Aronofsky, former director of the Academy Award-winning gay porn flick “Black Swan”, to All Of The Above Spiritualist Ang Lee (“Life of Pi”), also director of an Oscar-winning gay porn flick, to closet Scientologist Smith. “You have been told that whether you eat or drink or do anything, you should do all for the glory of God. But how can one glorify God in denying His very existence or replacing Him with false idols and space aliens and undead nightmares of one’s fabrication?”
Evangelist leaders sprung to dismiss the controversial claims, adamantly stressing that “Jesus Christ’s views are hardly representative of Christianity at large, as most Christians embrace the ideals of love and compassion and tolerance espoused by Christ.” Influential pastors of mega-churches like Joel Osteen, Rick Warren, and Billy Graham stated that believers should welcome and support any faith-themed movie to enter the cinemas if it might bring any people to Scripture. “If heretical, effects-driven, fantasy movies like Noah, Exodus, and Vampiric Genesis can inspire even one person to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior, then they’re worth it.”
Since God leads an especially reclusive life and tends to avoid the paparazzi associated with People and TMZ, the media was quick to disseminate and analyze his remarks, with most commentators concluding that the divisive condemnation of free speech and intellectual diversity would hurt rather than improve the ruler’s poll numbers. Regardless, newly crowned king of the late-night Jimmy Fallon invited God to slow-jam the news with him on the Tonight Show and answer several questions about his 2000-year retreat, including which political party he supports, if any. God declined to affiliate himself with either of America’s major progressive parties, saying that he forms his own beliefs on an issue-by-issue basis instead of kowtowing absolutely to any party’s dogma, a revelation which was met by roars of applause from self-declared Independents in the audience who are too ashamed to admit to doing just that.
God also refrained from speaking too much about the ground-breaking History Channel miniseries of the epic saga he has written. As successful as it was, “The Bible” was subject to significant controversy and legal challenges, one being that it infringed on copyrighted material and another being that it inadvertently compared President Obama to Satan through some unfortunate facial similarities in Moroccan actor Mehdi Ouzaani. God did confirm that he was just as offended by the casting decision as anyone else, with Burnett interpreting: “Have I not forbidden you to make an idol in the form of anything in the heaven above or earth beneath or waters below? OmiMe! This is an insult to the devil.”
Producers Burnett and his wife Roma Downey have since moved to defuse the crisis, removing idolatrous images from the upcoming film version with the explanation that “the devil gets no more screen time” and they “sincerely regret making a mockery of God’s Holy Word by erecting so shallow a caricature of his enemy Lucifer. As Christians, we believe the Devil is a real force of evil both subtle and powerful, who in no way should have been personified as such a dunce and a clown. In the future we’ll make sure to consult Satan face-to-face before going ahead with any moves that could unfairly substitute his evil genius with incompetent insanity.”
In spite of that one complaint, God wholeheartedly endorsed “Son Of God” as a reverent and textually faithful alternative to all the blasphemous golden bull that’s coming out elsewhere. When asked by press representatives if he was qualified to serve as an impartial messenger for the voice of the Lord, Burnett vowed that he would humbly take up his cross and shoulder any burden his God gave him to bear, even if it helped to increase his box office gross.
“Son of God” opens this Friday and is expected to sacrilegiously outsell every other current release in the faith-based, conservative-leaning, non-3D demographic. Due to the challenging breadth of the original source, it will be split into two parts, the first adapting Genesis through Song of Songs and the second continuing from Isaiah to Revelations. The Author plans to post a review of Part 1 as soon as he conceives a way to do it that won’t potentially make Lindsey Stirling or other female readers blush. He’ll probably just wait to rent the second part.
As Olympics Winds Down, History Still Being Made
Progressives cheered as barriers to social equity were broken down yet again at the Sochi Olympic Games in Russia, a nation that’s been embroiled in negative repute ever since Prime Minister Vladimir Putin enacted what critics call cruel and unprecedented and unfair adoption laws in 2013. The Sochi Games have already attained symbolical significance among many minority groups, giving particularly strong representation to Korean- and American-Russian ethnicities while bringing awareness to the global plight of pinkeye sufferers, but Friday’s results in the males’ 5000-meter short-track relay posed the greatest victory by far to sports equality advocates, making history not once, not twice, but thrice.
Bob Costas gave a clear rundown on what audiences may have overlooked in the momentous moment, explaining that one of Russian skaters, Harvey Zirus, was actually the first openly orange, closet-straight orangutan to take home the gold in an Olympic game. “Forget the gays,” he said. “This guy, this it, is the real star of the show. Never before have we seen an Olympian medal in this event, let alone compete, who openly wore his orangeness, hid his straightness, and embraced his subhumanness.”
Zirus was barraged with interview requests by both opponents and supporters of his widely disparaged lifestyle, most of which he shrugged off under the rationale that he wants people to respect him as an athlete instead of hunting for opportunities to defend or attack him as a victim of discrimination. “My mate is my own business; I don’t think the public needs to know that. We can play sports without making love. This Olympics isn’t a political zoo or anything. You know? It’s not like we’re animals.”
Many would beg to differ, though, if the latest 140-character blurbs from random angry people on Twitter are at all indicative of larger ideological or political patterns. The key-word #GodHatesApes erupted across the social networking platform after Costas shed light on the hero who would otherwise have gone unnoticed. Former inspirational Olympic celebrity Oscar Pistorius gave a particularly scathing rant on bloodydisgusting.com which said in part that “Zirus is obviously a loose gun who can’t control his baser instincts. Sooner or later he’s bound to go off and somebody’s going to pay in blood.” Even more offensive, one of the Russian torch-bearers, Irina Rodnina, promptly tweeted a photoshopped image of the athlete eating a banana that COG-rights groups saw as having heterophobic and speciesist undertones.
But for all the hate that he’s been receiving, the star athlete has seen just as much vocal approval from the other side of the aisle. Ryan Lochte reportedly texted the fiercely private ape to “party on, whoever you laying – one night stands ROCK,” and President Cecil Ayers of the Simian Liberation Front praised him for his fearless commitment to represent the openly redheaded, suspected heterosexual orangutan community, even though he gravely speculated that society has a long way to go before “Zirus is home” and total acceptance has been reached. He confirmed also that members of the Front were ready and willing to defend their own with lethal force if hate crimes and arrests in Russia escalate into full-scale war.
Professional ice dancer and diversity activist Johnny Weir also applauded Zirus for his courage but reflected grimly that “our straight brothers and sisters in the animal population will never comfortably stand on the same platform as the rest of society until the Olympic committee allows them to perform skating routines together with humans and until they can come out of the closet without fear of being ostracized, ridiculed, and hated upon.”
The Olympics closing ceremony airs at 8:30 tonight on NBC. Based on preliminary reports, it appears that only same-species couples will be married at the show, although that may change if Putin does indeed seize the opportunity to seal marital bonds with his supposed girlfriend Alina Kabeyava.
God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning – the sixth day. By the seventh day, God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work and watched the man he created in his own image do his own work, and he saw that it was not very good at all.
As Olympics Winds Down, History Still Being Made
Note from the Author: You may have already noticed a recurring motif in some of the more recent Files. We’ll be trying to incorporate this motif wherever possible and contextually appropriate, not so as to increase traffic to this website but because we are genuinely concerned with promoting truth, beauty, and virtue as slavishly obnoxiously effectively as we are able.
Correction: The original version of this article incorrectly identified Harvey Zirus as a chimp, which made more sense to Mr. Pallas at the moment because Zirus is a traditional surname in chimpanzee tribes, because chimps are humanity’s closest, most intelligent relatives in the animal kingdom (probably even our evolutionary superiors, according to scientists), and because there’s a new movie starring literally thousands of actors in the chimpanzee community coming out this summer that’s expected to pick up a lot of Oscar nominations. We regret the analogically negligible but politically unacceptable error of confusing an irrational, socially downtrodden and victimized animal of dark fur with an irrational, downtrodden animal of light fur. In the future we shall take extra precautions to ensure that one mindless fourlegs is never mistaken for another mindless fourlegs.
Correction: The original version of this article incorrectly identified Harvey Zirus as a chimp, which made more sense to Mr. Pallas at the moment because Zirus is a traditional surname in chimpanzee tribes, because chimps are humanity’s closest, most intelligent relatives in the animal kingdom (probably even our evolutionary superiors, according to scientists), and because there’s a new movie starring literally thousands of actors in the chimpanzee community coming out this summer that’s expected to pick up a lot of Oscar nominations. We regret the analogically negligible but politically unacceptable error of confusing an irrational, socially downtrodden and victimized animal of dark fur with an irrational, downtrodden animal of light fur. In the future we shall take extra precautions to ensure that one mindless fourlegs is never mistaken for another mindless fourlegs.
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